I claim to have a wide and varied taste in music, but I do have quite a few prejuidices that color my opinion of certain genres. However, I try to remain open minded and realize that there is always at least something excellent in every subset of music. I hate country music, but I love Johnny Cash, I own a Merle Haggard album, and find something in the simple storytelling of that era to love. I can restrict my hatred to modern country, but then I have to find some way to allow for my giddy anticipation for the new Zac Brown Band album. Simply put, I find it possible to love some particular item, no matter how much I might disdain the category to which the item belongs (Which is why I love my wife yet remain a horrible misogynist).
Therefore, about every six to eight months I fall deeply, passionately, head-over-heels in love with a super, super, gay song. This isn't the sort of love where I merely appreciate the song for being catchy, or very danceable. My wife constantly replays Rihanna's new CD (that I regrettably bought her as a gift) and I find quite a few of those songs to be pleasant, and fun, and actually quite good, even though I am a straight white adult male. That's not the sort of love I'm talking about. I'm talking about this sort of love where I'm truly and deeply emotionally touched by the song and legitimately think it might be one of my top ten songs of all time. I unembarassedly adored Beyonce's, "Irreplaceable" and would hold forth at length on the incredible pairing of the lyrics (a strong, self-sufficient adult telling her no-good lover to get out) and the vocal work, (a truly heartbroken woman summoning the last of her strength to protect herself from further pain).
With this disclaimer firmly and defensively established, I now step from behind my mask of manliness and hereby proclaim Katy Perry's, "Teenage Dream" to be the best song currently on mainstream radio. Don't get me wrong, I loathe Katy Perry. I find her neither clever, cute, or funny. "Fireworks," is such a pathetically sappy song, and the video so astonishingly cliched and over-reaching that I honestly think that it's possible that the entire video is tongue-in-cheek, and parodying other over-earnest pieces of dreck. HOWEVER it's so bad that even if it is a joke, it's still not funny. "Teenage Dream," however is a masterpiece, and I'm about to prove it.
First of all, I love that whole, "falling in love" BS. I'm a huge fan of puppy love, and that stupid teenage love where you actually believe that you are the first couple to ever feel love this intensely. You reason that you have to be, or else there would be no unhappiness in the relationships of adults you've met, no marriages ever ending in divorce. I still completely idolize those late nights and long phone conversations where you're learning everything about a person and these newly developed hormones create a flood of blood to certain areas of your brain and actually gives you a chemical high and love literally becomes a drug (for the record, I hate Ke$ha). I think there's something so innocent, and yes, naieve, but sincerely beautiful about this time in someone's life, and though developed cynicism and the knowledge of how it all ended up colors our view from the present, there's nothing like balancing on the cusp of adulthood, fully stepping into who you are, while still retaining the invincibility of youth.
My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch now baby I believe
This is what Teenage Dream is about. Katy Perry is singing to a guy about their memories, and back when they were falling in love and feeling like they were one another's only anchors in life, and that really, all you needed was love and everything would fall into place. She uses the verses to describe a few moments from their relationship, and the first part of the chorus (or maybe it's a bridge, I don't know anything about music) to recall the first time they had sex - not meaningless one night stand sex, but the connected, for real sex, of two people who are really falling for one another.
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I, will be young forever.
This, coupled with the music, would be enough for me to like the song, but what really cranks it up to Better-Than-The-Beatles status is the final added layer. Katy Perry isn't a teenager, and Katy Perry is smarter than this. She knows that love doesn't make everything work out, and she knows that feelings change, and she knows that even if love lasts forever is changes and morphs and grows and mutates and that you only get that, "falling in love" feeling once, with whomever you are with (science says that the 'love as a drug' thing usually peters out at the 15 month mark, but I don't know). Katy Perry isn't a teenage dream to her lover anymore, it isn't that they are falling out of love, but their love has matured and steadied. But in this song she's reminding him of that original fiery passionate love they felt when they were teenagers and they were first feeling that crazy new love with whomever they were feeling that crazy new love with. She's telling him, 'Remember being a teenager in love? Well tonight we are those teenagers, and we're not going to let adulthood or wherever we are at this point in our lives distract us from that. I'm not going to wear some Sexy Nurse Outfit or a gimp suit, I'm going to be the me that you fell in love with, because that's who I still am."
Get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight.
You might think that I'm bringing a ridiculous amount of baggage to the table before interpreting this song, and maybe I am. But I'm right, and if Katy Perry herself disagrees with me and intended a different meaning to this song entirely, she's wrong. Listen to this song with my interpretation, and see what you think. Sure, I'm semi-old (26) and I'm married (for 2.5 years now) but I've learned to embrace all moments in my life - even the moments when I felt (and still sometimes feel) intense shame - because I've learned from everything I've been through and those experiences have forced me into the person that I am. I will always love those moments of my childhood - the building of tree forts, the terribly long summer afternoons of kick ball and bicycle riding, and I will always love those moments of adolescence - the intense connection I felt with someone who understood me, or at least a part of me, in a way no one else did.
By the way, Clayton disagrees with me about this entirely, and I'm pretty sure my wife does as well (that, or else she made the wise choice to ignore me when I explained this all to her. Her response: "Hmm. I never really thought about it." My reply: "Obviously you never get drunk and listen to Katy Perry.")
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Friday's Movie of the Week
Friday is the day dedicated to complaining about the current state of Hollywood - especially in the early months of the year. January, February, and March are the months famous for being the dumping ground of Hollywood. Everyone has spent their money buying over-priced cheap plastic gifts for others for Christmas and need a few months to recover before spending their recently hard-earned cash on watching the Summer blockbusters. There remains one single bright spot on the movie landscape during these few months of famine and that is the O'Dellicious Live Oscar Webcast (as you may have noticed in the beautiful banner above). If you're reading this you are obviously a lonely nerd with no one to hang out with, so hang out with us, online, and experience unfunny commentary, massive amounts of liquor, live commercial reads, and probably some sort of physical altercation before the night ends. Sunday, February 27th.
Friday's Movie of the Week
Oh. Dear. God. I'm sure Clayton felt like he cornered the market in horrific movie releases last week with Just Go With (sh) It, and Gnomeo & Juliet but this week is more then determined to give last week a run for it's money (and by money, I mean a terrible score on Rotten Tomatoes). I know people will go to theaters this weekend, and I get it, sometimes you live in an incredibly small town where there is literally nothing to do. The only thing I can ask is this - pay to see another movie than whatever tripe you're actually going to see. If The King's Speech is playing, pay for that and sneak into a different theater. I don't care what you actually see, I just care what message you send to Hollywood. Everyone knows you don't pet your dog after he takes a dump on the dining room table.
Liam Neeson has a new movie out this week called, Unknown. While I know practically nothing about this movie, I know that it's obviously terrible as it is being released in February. It looks to be one of those typical semi-supernatural thrillers along the lines of Stay where there's an unsatisfying and impossible-to-figure-out twist at the end that usually is something like, "He was really in a coma and imagining everything the entire time!" While I don't think there is anyone in the entire world that dislikes Liam Neeson, he doesn't have a reputation for having the most discerning of taste when it comes to movie roles. I thought this movie had come out like last August but evidently it hasn't. I saw the always lovely January Jones on The Daily Show the other night advertising this movie in the most awkward of ways. All she really said (without any conviction) was, "It's good, go see it." Which, of course, is Hollywood lingo for, "It's bad, don't go see it."
I Am Number Four is based on a young adult book about a guy known as Number Three. The success of the Harry Potter and Twilight series(es) birthed a spate of adaptations of young adult novels with a supernatural bent, like the succinctly titles Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. (Sidenote: This title reveals a lot, because one would assume The Lightning Thief would be a perfectly good title, but the point of the movie is to cash in on Percy Jackson fans, not to make a good movie). I can't really be bothered to learn too much about this movie, as it feels disposal at best. DJ Caruso (the director) also made Disturbia (pretty entertaining) and Eagle Eye (astonishingly bad) and has one of those imminently punchable faces.
Now, if we want to go head to head with last weeks movies for the reigning champ of Awful Excrement I think this week wins with the match ups of I Am Number Four and Unknown vs. Gnomeo and Juliet, The Eagle, and Justin Bieber Never Ever Ever Says Never. I haven't seen any of those movies, of course (I value my sanity) but I have to assume last week's movies are better than this week's. However, as Adam Sandler is famous for making genuinely reprehensible movies, Hollywood really had to pull out all the stops to create a movie that could compete with Just Go With It. But I know my Hollywood, and I trust them to always come through when I need proof that the lowest of lows has not yet been reached. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring the latest offering of the always hilarious comedian Martin Lawrence, famous for such movies as Big Momma's House, Rebound, Big Momma's House 2, Black Knight, Wild Hogs, and the upcoming The Skank Robbers (I wish I were making that up) in this weeks biggest (HARHAR) release, Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son. Yes, that's right, Big Momma's House can now legitimately be considered a franchise.
I've long believed that people have a way of revealing themselves for who they are without even trying to do so. When a woman goes on stage and sings a solo with no music, you know she trusts her voice. When Lady Gaga dresses like she was molested by a Klingon at a young age and her daddy never loved her, you can pretty much assume she ain't got that much in the way of raw vocal talent. When Eddy Murphy makes The Nutty Professor and a sequel in which he plays multiple characters in different fat suits it doesn't take a genius to figure out that he's running out of ideas. When Martin Lawrence copies Eddy Murphy's worst ideas and stretches them out over three movies, you can assume that there is no semblance of fairness or reason on this big blue marble we call the Earth. I don't even want to criticize this movie because really, if I have to convince anyone reading this blog not to see this movie, then frankly, I don't want you reading this blog.
Thankfully we live in an age of technology and instantaneous information and as such, we aren't restricted to watching only movies released in the theaters. Because of that (and the blessed service known as Netflix) here are the movies I've watched this week:
- The Deer Hunter
- Enter the Void
- Goodbye Solo
- Cypher
- Ken Burn's The Civil War (disc 1 & 2)
- Stalag 17
All of these movies were interesting and worth watching (Enter the Void was particularly mind-blowing, while also managing to be disgusting and inconsequential) but the one I recommend is The Deer Hunter. I've heard a ton about it, and it won a ton of awards, but I've always avoided watching it as it seemed like a pretentious Vietnam war movie - yeah, we get it, that war sucked and we should have never been there. I finally watched it though, and it's a legitimately great movie. Not only is it awesome to see a young Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, and Christopher Walken, but the movie deals with the war by spending over half of the running time in small town Pennsylvania, showing the participants before and after the war. Personally I don't know that I could handle war, I really can't imagine going through something like that and, even if uninjured, ever really recovering. This movie's depiction of Vietnam, and the prison camps, and the knowledge that both of my grandfathers fought in that war (and my mom lived in Saigon as a baby before it fell) is pushing me dangerously close to getting obsessed with the Vietnam Conflict like I got obsessed with the Amazon basin for a few months last year after reading The Lost City of Z.
Movies suck this week y'all. Catch up on Oscar picks or start watching Justified on FX (starring America's favorite bug-eyed handsome man, Timothy Olyphant!). Next week, however, things get good (not with movies, thanks Nic Cage) but with the Academy Awards - the movie nerd Super Bowl. Be sure to join us for the most underwhelming event of the year, also known as "something else we can bet on."
Friday's Movie of the Week
Oh. Dear. God. I'm sure Clayton felt like he cornered the market in horrific movie releases last week with Just Go With (sh) It, and Gnomeo & Juliet but this week is more then determined to give last week a run for it's money (and by money, I mean a terrible score on Rotten Tomatoes). I know people will go to theaters this weekend, and I get it, sometimes you live in an incredibly small town where there is literally nothing to do. The only thing I can ask is this - pay to see another movie than whatever tripe you're actually going to see. If The King's Speech is playing, pay for that and sneak into a different theater. I don't care what you actually see, I just care what message you send to Hollywood. Everyone knows you don't pet your dog after he takes a dump on the dining room table.
Liam Neeson has a new movie out this week called, Unknown. While I know practically nothing about this movie, I know that it's obviously terrible as it is being released in February. It looks to be one of those typical semi-supernatural thrillers along the lines of Stay where there's an unsatisfying and impossible-to-figure-out twist at the end that usually is something like, "He was really in a coma and imagining everything the entire time!" While I don't think there is anyone in the entire world that dislikes Liam Neeson, he doesn't have a reputation for having the most discerning of taste when it comes to movie roles. I thought this movie had come out like last August but evidently it hasn't. I saw the always lovely January Jones on The Daily Show the other night advertising this movie in the most awkward of ways. All she really said (without any conviction) was, "It's good, go see it." Which, of course, is Hollywood lingo for, "It's bad, don't go see it."
 |
| Chest hair is the new black. |
I Am Number Four is based on a young adult book about a guy known as Number Three. The success of the Harry Potter and Twilight series(es) birthed a spate of adaptations of young adult novels with a supernatural bent, like the succinctly titles Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. (Sidenote: This title reveals a lot, because one would assume The Lightning Thief would be a perfectly good title, but the point of the movie is to cash in on Percy Jackson fans, not to make a good movie). I can't really be bothered to learn too much about this movie, as it feels disposal at best. DJ Caruso (the director) also made Disturbia (pretty entertaining) and Eagle Eye (astonishingly bad) and has one of those imminently punchable faces.
Now, if we want to go head to head with last weeks movies for the reigning champ of Awful Excrement I think this week wins with the match ups of I Am Number Four and Unknown vs. Gnomeo and Juliet, The Eagle, and Justin Bieber Never Ever Ever Says Never. I haven't seen any of those movies, of course (I value my sanity) but I have to assume last week's movies are better than this week's. However, as Adam Sandler is famous for making genuinely reprehensible movies, Hollywood really had to pull out all the stops to create a movie that could compete with Just Go With It. But I know my Hollywood, and I trust them to always come through when I need proof that the lowest of lows has not yet been reached. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring the latest offering of the always hilarious comedian Martin Lawrence, famous for such movies as Big Momma's House, Rebound, Big Momma's House 2, Black Knight, Wild Hogs, and the upcoming The Skank Robbers (I wish I were making that up) in this weeks biggest (HARHAR) release, Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son. Yes, that's right, Big Momma's House can now legitimately be considered a franchise.
 |
| Random picture from my immense porn collection. |
Thankfully we live in an age of technology and instantaneous information and as such, we aren't restricted to watching only movies released in the theaters. Because of that (and the blessed service known as Netflix) here are the movies I've watched this week:
- The Deer Hunter
- Enter the Void
- Goodbye Solo
- Cypher
- Ken Burn's The Civil War (disc 1 & 2)
- Stalag 17
All of these movies were interesting and worth watching (Enter the Void was particularly mind-blowing, while also managing to be disgusting and inconsequential) but the one I recommend is The Deer Hunter. I've heard a ton about it, and it won a ton of awards, but I've always avoided watching it as it seemed like a pretentious Vietnam war movie - yeah, we get it, that war sucked and we should have never been there. I finally watched it though, and it's a legitimately great movie. Not only is it awesome to see a young Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, and Christopher Walken, but the movie deals with the war by spending over half of the running time in small town Pennsylvania, showing the participants before and after the war. Personally I don't know that I could handle war, I really can't imagine going through something like that and, even if uninjured, ever really recovering. This movie's depiction of Vietnam, and the prison camps, and the knowledge that both of my grandfathers fought in that war (and my mom lived in Saigon as a baby before it fell) is pushing me dangerously close to getting obsessed with the Vietnam Conflict like I got obsessed with the Amazon basin for a few months last year after reading The Lost City of Z.
Movies suck this week y'all. Catch up on Oscar picks or start watching Justified on FX (starring America's favorite bug-eyed handsome man, Timothy Olyphant!). Next week, however, things get good (not with movies, thanks Nic Cage) but with the Academy Awards - the movie nerd Super Bowl. Be sure to join us for the most underwhelming event of the year, also known as "something else we can bet on."
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Watch This Now!
While the Onion Sports Network is horribly unfunny, this is simply hilarious (and thankfully, short). WATCH IT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHc8WTBuYQo&feature=youtube_gdata
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHc8WTBuYQo&feature=youtube_gdata
Andrew's H8/LV 2/15/11
Every week I love things. Every week I hate things. These are those things.
Thing I Hate #1: SHOES THAT DON'T FIT (GIRLS)
Ladies, I love you. You're all beautiful in your own unique way (blahblahblah etc etc). Listen, I understand that life isn't fair and that men (that dastardly race of hairy maniacal beasts) force you into all sorts of strange and unnatural items of clothing in order to be more attractive. However, if you're going to wear heels (or pumps or flats or pegs or whatever else you call your shoes that I don't quite understand) wear heels that fit. There is nothing more unappealing than a little something that I like to call, "toe cleavage." It is when the shoe is just a little too big (or perhaps your toes have confused themselves and believe they are fingers, and are just a little too long) and showing above the toe portion of the shoe are the beginning of the splits between each toe. Right now stop what you are doing (which is reading this and swooning, I'm sure) and go to your closet and try on every pair of "those" types of shoes, to make sure they all fit accurately. I'm not trying to erect yet another hoop for you to all jump through - on the contrary I'm trying to save you some
trouble. If you don't have the right sort of feet, or the right fit in your shoes, just wear open-toed shoes or sneakers or combat boots or something along those lines. Good looking shoes are designed to make your feet good looking, and when I can see your toe cleavage you A) Look like a little kid wearing your mom's shoes and B) Look like a monkey wearing a little kid's mom's shoes. It honestly makes me physically nauseous, and while I know most guys may not agree with me (and probably don't even notice, since they're too busy coming up with incredibly successful pick-up lines) you should realize that I am, of course, entirely right in this matter and I'm only mentioning this as a public service to both you, your feet, and my physical well being.
Thing I Hate #2: The State Farm Guy
Unfortunately I'm not as original as I would like to be, as I just found out while searching for pictures for this article that there is a Facebook page called, "I hate the State Farm Guy." To be fair to me, there's a Facebook page about everything that has ever (or will ever) exist. I also found out that this guy is evidently Latino, which, of course, makes me hate him even more! Forrealz though, I hate this guy. I'm not calling him a bad actor, or saying he has done anything purposefully wrong, I just hate his stupid face. There's something so smug and patronizing about him that makes me violently hateful. Every time one of his commercials comes on I have to change the channel, leave the room, or cause an abortion. Really I can't blame the fellow, but rather myself, for the intense desire to punch him in the face the instant I see him. There are these types of people in life that rub us exactly the wrong way, through no fault of their own, just like there are people who rub us the exact right way (Milla Jovovich, I'm lookin' at you, kid). Sincerely though, I want to commit so many crimes whenever I see this fellow that I feel like he should be banned from television for the safety of America. It appears that State Farm has entered into a perverse contest with Geico and Progressive to have the worst insurance commercials imaginable, and have abandoned this guy for the new, "State Farm is there!" sing-song commercials that make absolutely no sense and are amazingly unfunny. My breakable furniture thanks you.
Things I Hate #3: Teenagers
There was a time when I legitimately thought that teenagers were misunderstood and correct in their outlook on the world (hint: I was a teenager at this time). I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel, as everyone with common sense hates teenagers, but I'll admit - this is a bit personal. I went to a local bar tonight and there was a rowdy group of teenagers sitting in the back room by the pool table congregating to achieve the common goal of breaking the Guinness Book of World Records record for the most annoying and worthless wastes of fertilized eggs ever to slouch upon the face of the Earth. I attempted to ignore them as they sneaked alcohol from their 21+ friends, broke glasses, knocked over chairs, and then tried to sneak out without paying (only to be caught, told, "get your shit together" and then complained about being cursed at). I'm a congenial fellow, but I really thought I was going to get in a fight before I left tonight. I fully expected one of their dumb, sweatpant-ed, flat-brimmed capped, asses to say something to myself or my wife and after that, as Daniel Plainview once explained to me, "there will be blood." Teenagers are completely worthless and the only reason we put up with them is that we hope they'll turn into adults at some point. I've been around enough of their destructive, immature, idiotic, incapable selves (and I've been all of things at some point during the years in which I was a teenager) to know that every stereotype about teenagers isn't only true, it's giving them far too much credit. I understand we all have to go from children to adult and learning comes best through experience, but the fetishization of and catering to teenagers that is so predominant in America is a travesty that only serves to make dumb kids dumber.
Thing I Love: BEEF JERKY
There are two reasons to love beef jerky. One, there's absolutely nothing NOT to love about it and two, it's the greatest thing ever. Some people have, in the past, perhaps expressed the opinion that I am prone to exaggeration. To those people I say simply, "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR BEEF JERKY." Just stop for a moment and really think about beef jerky (something I do several times daily). It's dried beef. That's it, really. Just meat, dried and spiced and tough and chewy and delicious. You hold a piece up in your hand, maybe to the sun, maybe to your Maker, and then bring it to your mouth, biting down and pulling away with your hand, ripping a piece of the meat off like dinomeat from a brontosaurus drumstick. There are a lot of different snacks in the world - candy, snack cakes, chips, gum, etc., but rarely do you find a snack that is just pure unadulterated meat. Another thing that makes beef jerky so great is that it has been made since at least 246,000,000 BCE. It isn't an overprocessed sickly sweet piece of trash for your underdeveloped childlike taste buds to clamor over as if they have Bieber Fever - no, it's a piece of glory that your animalistic brain recognizes as having descended through the ages in the perfect form of life giving sustenance. In all seriousness, there were most likely people eating Mastodon Jerky thousands of years ago. That's just amazing.
The only downside to beef jerky (and I say "beef" jerky, but any type of jerky is fine by me, unless it's like tomato jerky or something) is that it's so damn expensive. A small bag of it is like $5.99, and I can eat two of those bags before I even get home from the gas station. I've never killed any animal larger than an insect on purpose (except the world's largest snapping turtle, but that was to save a life (my own) and is a different story for a different time (and besides, I thought it was a rock)) but I've honestly considered hunting, just so I could kill something and make the entire whatever-I-kill into jerky. I've had beef jerky, buffalo jerky, alligator jerky, deer jerky, and once, during Spring Break in Papua New Guinea, human jerky. It's all marvelous, it's all wonderful, and it is the thing I love this, and every other, week.
Thing I Hate #1: SHOES THAT DON'T FIT (GIRLS)
Ladies, I love you. You're all beautiful in your own unique way (blahblahblah etc etc). Listen, I understand that life isn't fair and that men (that dastardly race of hairy maniacal beasts) force you into all sorts of strange and unnatural items of clothing in order to be more attractive. However, if you're going to wear heels (or pumps or flats or pegs or whatever else you call your shoes that I don't quite understand) wear heels that fit. There is nothing more unappealing than a little something that I like to call, "toe cleavage." It is when the shoe is just a little too big (or perhaps your toes have confused themselves and believe they are fingers, and are just a little too long) and showing above the toe portion of the shoe are the beginning of the splits between each toe. Right now stop what you are doing (which is reading this and swooning, I'm sure) and go to your closet and try on every pair of "those" types of shoes, to make sure they all fit accurately. I'm not trying to erect yet another hoop for you to all jump through - on the contrary I'm trying to save you some
 |
| This is why women don't have 10 tiny breasts |
Thing I Hate #2: The State Farm Guy
Things I Hate #3: Teenagers
There was a time when I legitimately thought that teenagers were misunderstood and correct in their outlook on the world (hint: I was a teenager at this time). I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel, as everyone with common sense hates teenagers, but I'll admit - this is a bit personal. I went to a local bar tonight and there was a rowdy group of teenagers sitting in the back room by the pool table congregating to achieve the common goal of breaking the Guinness Book of World Records record for the most annoying and worthless wastes of fertilized eggs ever to slouch upon the face of the Earth. I attempted to ignore them as they sneaked alcohol from their 21+ friends, broke glasses, knocked over chairs, and then tried to sneak out without paying (only to be caught, told, "get your shit together" and then complained about being cursed at). I'm a congenial fellow, but I really thought I was going to get in a fight before I left tonight. I fully expected one of their dumb, sweatpant-ed, flat-brimmed capped, asses to say something to myself or my wife and after that, as Daniel Plainview once explained to me, "there will be blood." Teenagers are completely worthless and the only reason we put up with them is that we hope they'll turn into adults at some point. I've been around enough of their destructive, immature, idiotic, incapable selves (and I've been all of things at some point during the years in which I was a teenager) to know that every stereotype about teenagers isn't only true, it's giving them far too much credit. I understand we all have to go from children to adult and learning comes best through experience, but the fetishization of and catering to teenagers that is so predominant in America is a travesty that only serves to make dumb kids dumber.
Thing I Love: BEEF JERKY
There are two reasons to love beef jerky. One, there's absolutely nothing NOT to love about it and two, it's the greatest thing ever. Some people have, in the past, perhaps expressed the opinion that I am prone to exaggeration. To those people I say simply, "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR BEEF JERKY." Just stop for a moment and really think about beef jerky (something I do several times daily). It's dried beef. That's it, really. Just meat, dried and spiced and tough and chewy and delicious. You hold a piece up in your hand, maybe to the sun, maybe to your Maker, and then bring it to your mouth, biting down and pulling away with your hand, ripping a piece of the meat off like dinomeat from a brontosaurus drumstick. There are a lot of different snacks in the world - candy, snack cakes, chips, gum, etc., but rarely do you find a snack that is just pure unadulterated meat. Another thing that makes beef jerky so great is that it has been made since at least 246,000,000 BCE. It isn't an overprocessed sickly sweet piece of trash for your underdeveloped childlike taste buds to clamor over as if they have Bieber Fever - no, it's a piece of glory that your animalistic brain recognizes as having descended through the ages in the perfect form of life giving sustenance. In all seriousness, there were most likely people eating Mastodon Jerky thousands of years ago. That's just amazing.
The only downside to beef jerky (and I say "beef" jerky, but any type of jerky is fine by me, unless it's like tomato jerky or something) is that it's so damn expensive. A small bag of it is like $5.99, and I can eat two of those bags before I even get home from the gas station. I've never killed any animal larger than an insect on purpose (except the world's largest snapping turtle, but that was to save a life (my own) and is a different story for a different time (and besides, I thought it was a rock)) but I've honestly considered hunting, just so I could kill something and make the entire whatever-I-kill into jerky. I've had beef jerky, buffalo jerky, alligator jerky, deer jerky, and once, during Spring Break in Papua New Guinea, human jerky. It's all marvelous, it's all wonderful, and it is the thing I love this, and every other, week.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
THIS WEEK IN THUUUU NOOOOOOOSSSS!!!! (likewise I'm SHURE)
THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS To be completely honest, I have not read one word, or watched or listened to one second of "real" news this week. I meant to, but I played Cafe World on Facebook instead. However, in the spirit of a true American newscaster, I don't need much in the way of facts - I know how to run my mouth. Without further ado, here's what was interesting to me:
The Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl VL
The Super Bowl went exactly how nearly everyone thought it would, and the Packers out-played the Steelers, winning the Super Bowl for the fourth time (though two of the four were Super Bowls I and II). It's hard to believe that anyone who wasn't already a dye-in-the-wool Steelers fan would have pulled for the Steelers during this Super Bowl. Not only have they gone to the Super Bowl one million times this decade, they've won three out of the past six (or something). On top of all of that, Ben Roethlisberger is a disgusting,
sweaty, shaggy dog of a rapist. Really think about that - he's so gross that he's a multi-millionaire celebrity with three Super Bowl rings and he has to rape drunk college girls. I'm a sober, normal, gorgeous man with absolutely no money and I've been trying to rape chicks for at least three years with no success (you can't rape the willing, amirite????) All drunk college girls do is make horrible mistakes in choice of sexual partners, and they still won't throw a bone his way. I know that I probably seem obsessed with his, "alleged" rape of this poor blonde southern honey, but that's because I AM. People go to jail from dumb stuff every single day, but he rapes his merry way through the south, General Sherman style, and is free and clear to go to the Super Bowl. Personally, I think the punishment for rapists is that they get held down and raped. I could devise some sort of instrument wherein a dildo is attached to the end of an axe handle, in place of the head, and then we just put the rapist in colonial style stocks, pull their pants down, and swing away like we're playing croquet. On national television. Rape would end overnight.
People in Indiana Mistakenly Think They're Funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BScrP-lW60E
A sub-section of national news is the weird or bizarre news stories that are fodder for morning radio or silly little websites (such as our own, but ones that people read). There will be some story like, "Teens Break Into Home, Steal Urn Full of Cremated Remains, and Snort, Thinking They're Drugs!" (a real story that happened this week). One such story takes place in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where a vote was held to determine the name for a new city structure of some sort (a convention center or something, I can't be bothered to do any actual research). Voters chose to name it after a long serving mayor of Fort Wayne, Harry Baals. This is obviously hilarious because in the video the news reporters constantly refer to him as, "Hairy Balls." Oh, and because everyone in the world is evidently a 13 year old boy. This is the kind of story that really grinds my gears because it's just people trying so hard to be funny, as opposed to actually reporting news. There is already a street named after Harry Baals, his last name is pronounced, "BALES," and it isn't even spelled, "balls." This might be newsworthy if they actually named the place, "Hairy Balls Convention Center" but we're snickering under our breath while reporting a story about voters wanting to name a city building after Mayor Harold Baals? Really?
This reminds me of when the Chilean miners were being rescued from their (you guessed it!) mine, and a constantly repeated story in American (real American, not Chilean American) news was that one miner was being waited for by both his wife and his mistress! Ruh-roh Shaggy! He might just want to stay down in that mine HARHARHAR! Of course everyone neglected to report the fact that it's a well accepted practice in Chile to have both a wife and a mistress, and in some cases even have more than one family. But that's boring, isn't it? We should all just go for the easy joke because that's the job of a news reporter, to be the world's unfunniest comedian.
Old People Should Be Banned From the Internet
While I could actually write at least 25 blog posts with this same headline, I'm sure everyone agrees with me so it isn't a point I'm going to argue. Instead, I'll just inform you about it's latest illustration. Congressman Chris Lee, (Republican, New York) has resigned this week after being caught on Craigslist trying to set up a date with a woman (her criteria for the type of man she was looking for: "Emotionally and financially stable, and doesn't look like a toad"). He sent her shirtless photos of himself flexing, and included HIS FACE in the pictures. This is clearly the result of growing up in a world without the Internet, as any 14 year old sexter knows that you should only send neck-down n00dz to the guys in your Junior High. Look, I don't really have a problem with Congresspeople cheating on their spouses. I think it's wrong, sure, but I also think it falls into a totally different area than the job we ask them to perform. I'm sure Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Anniston with Angelina Jolie, but I don't really care. That's between the three of them - all I ask is that they put in a good performance in whatever movie I happen to see them in. Martin Luther King Jr. was a notorious philanderer, and I don't think that changes the good he did for this country one iota, nor makes his speeches any less powerful. No one should cheat, we all know that, but what I care about most is my relationship with you (I am, after all, notoriously self-centered). If you are my surgeon, I'm much more concerned about how good of a surgeon you are than about how good of a husband or wife you are. I'm not planning on marrying you, I'm planning on letting you operate on me.
All of that being said, I still think this guy should resign because he's clearly an idiot. Let me reiterate - he sent shirtless photos of himself, including his face, to a stranger on the Internet that he was trying to date. If every single congressperson did this, I'm pretty sure the chances of getting away with it would be less than 1%. I don't want someone who shows so little grasp of the realities of this day and age, along with the inability to do any sort of risk assessment or think further than one step ahead. Am I saying that I wish he was better at cheating? No, I'm just saying that the part of his stupidity that has the greatest chance of affecting me is the ignorance he showed in the way he went about it.
Now on to the most important news of the week. The other day I was in a parking lot when I saw an old dirty car (like a mid-90s Sebring or something) pull up and park in the Fire Lane No Parking zone, and watched as a skinny, meth-head looking leathery old wrinkle of a white trash woman stepped out of the driver's seat, sucking on a cigarette as if it contained the last traces of Oxycotin in the world. She flicked the cigarette onto the pavement and wafted through the front door of the store like a horrible smell floating on the wind. The vanity tag on the back of her car? 2SEXY69
Sometimes I want to die.
The Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl VL
The Super Bowl went exactly how nearly everyone thought it would, and the Packers out-played the Steelers, winning the Super Bowl for the fourth time (though two of the four were Super Bowls I and II). It's hard to believe that anyone who wasn't already a dye-in-the-wool Steelers fan would have pulled for the Steelers during this Super Bowl. Not only have they gone to the Super Bowl one million times this decade, they've won three out of the past six (or something). On top of all of that, Ben Roethlisberger is a disgusting,
People in Indiana Mistakenly Think They're Funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BScrP-lW60E
A sub-section of national news is the weird or bizarre news stories that are fodder for morning radio or silly little websites (such as our own, but ones that people read). There will be some story like, "Teens Break Into Home, Steal Urn Full of Cremated Remains, and Snort, Thinking They're Drugs!" (a real story that happened this week). One such story takes place in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where a vote was held to determine the name for a new city structure of some sort (a convention center or something, I can't be bothered to do any actual research). Voters chose to name it after a long serving mayor of Fort Wayne, Harry Baals. This is obviously hilarious because in the video the news reporters constantly refer to him as, "Hairy Balls." Oh, and because everyone in the world is evidently a 13 year old boy. This is the kind of story that really grinds my gears because it's just people trying so hard to be funny, as opposed to actually reporting news. There is already a street named after Harry Baals, his last name is pronounced, "BALES," and it isn't even spelled, "balls." This might be newsworthy if they actually named the place, "Hairy Balls Convention Center" but we're snickering under our breath while reporting a story about voters wanting to name a city building after Mayor Harold Baals? Really?
This reminds me of when the Chilean miners were being rescued from their (you guessed it!) mine, and a constantly repeated story in American (real American, not Chilean American) news was that one miner was being waited for by both his wife and his mistress! Ruh-roh Shaggy! He might just want to stay down in that mine HARHARHAR! Of course everyone neglected to report the fact that it's a well accepted practice in Chile to have both a wife and a mistress, and in some cases even have more than one family. But that's boring, isn't it? We should all just go for the easy joke because that's the job of a news reporter, to be the world's unfunniest comedian.
Old People Should Be Banned From the Internet
All of that being said, I still think this guy should resign because he's clearly an idiot. Let me reiterate - he sent shirtless photos of himself, including his face, to a stranger on the Internet that he was trying to date. If every single congressperson did this, I'm pretty sure the chances of getting away with it would be less than 1%. I don't want someone who shows so little grasp of the realities of this day and age, along with the inability to do any sort of risk assessment or think further than one step ahead. Am I saying that I wish he was better at cheating? No, I'm just saying that the part of his stupidity that has the greatest chance of affecting me is the ignorance he showed in the way he went about it.
Now on to the most important news of the week. The other day I was in a parking lot when I saw an old dirty car (like a mid-90s Sebring or something) pull up and park in the Fire Lane No Parking zone, and watched as a skinny, meth-head looking leathery old wrinkle of a white trash woman stepped out of the driver's seat, sucking on a cigarette as if it contained the last traces of Oxycotin in the world. She flicked the cigarette onto the pavement and wafted through the front door of the store like a horrible smell floating on the wind. The vanity tag on the back of her car? 2SEXY69
Sometimes I want to die.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Andrew's H8/LV of the Week
I was supposed to write this yesterday but instead flew into a rage. I'm a calm and rational guy who rarely gets upset - sure, I have emotions, but they never control me. But occasionally I redline, or actually blow the gauge and go past white-hot anger straight into dispassionate, cold, seething rage, in which case I might do something horrific and regrettable, and not even care. I've built some safeguards into myself to avoid this situation, so whenever it happens I immediately fall asleep. Therefore I fell asleep at 8 p.m. last night and didn't wake up until 7 this morning, when I stepped out of bed into a pile of cat vomit. YAYME.
Every week I love things. Every week I hate things. These are those things.
Every week I love things. Every week I hate things. These are those things.
THREE THINGS I HATE, AND ONE THING I LOVE:
Thing I Hate #3: Local Car Advertisements
You know how someone will start doing/collecting/becoming something incredibly tacky and obnoxious (i.e. the entire state of Texas) because they lack both self-awareness and class, and then, once they realize everyone is making fun of them pretend they were in on the joke the entire time? That is what a local car advertisement is. Somewhere back in the annals (or anus) of history someone had the bright idea to dress in a wacky costume, scream as loudly as possible at the camera, and put a giant inflatable gorilla on the roof in order to sell cars. This was what is known as a, "tipping point." A tipping point is when someone builds an entire mountain out of manure and tips a big wad of crap off of the top. The Pooball rolls down the
mountain, gathering both addition filth and speed, growing bigger and more disgusting with every rotation. Seriously stop and think about this - why does a car lot need a weird inflatable semi-human to jerk and dance violently in the wind? To catch your eye. Why do they need to catch your eye? To get you to stop. Why do they need to get you to stop? To aggressively attack you with lies and tricks designed to get you to pay thousands of dollars more than what a vehicle is worth. There's always a balance between style and substance, and when someone throws themselves that firmly into the style camp, you can bet they're over-compensating for something.
Thing I Hate #2: Dentists Who Talk
I've gone to the same dentist for the past 20 years. I've even had the same hygienist for nearly that long. They've redecorated, gotten new tools (thankfully. It would be pretty sad if they were using the same tools from 20 years ago), had kids, watched my sweet self grow into a man of grace, wit, and beauty, and quit giving me prizes after I get my teeth cleaned. One thing, however, has not changed - their unquenchable desire for conversation. I'm a horribly unfriendly person, I admit. I hate it when hairstylists attempt to talk to me, I hate it when waitresses try and chit chat, but you have to agree with me here. When someone has both of their arms elbow deep inside of my mouth (yeah, I got talents), are wearing a mask covering their own mouth, and
are staring at my teeth, is it really necessary to ask, "So, how is your sister doing?" I honestly don't know what I am expected to do. I've tried to change their behavior by, whenever they ask me a question, immediately answer by talking, even though their hands are inside of me. This didn't seem to work so now I answer every single question with a monotone, "Unnhh." This non-committal grunt seems to satisfy their need for small talk, and isn't quite as rude as ignoring them entirely, but let's use some sense here people - small talk in and of itself is pointless, but small talk when you restrain the other person from speaking is borderline insane.
Thing I Hate #3: Charlie Brown
I understand that people used to think Charlie Brown was funny, or cute, or whatever. Those people were wrong. Charlie Brown might have been funny enough for comic strips back in 1950, but I can't understand the affection people still retain for him. The entire point of the comic is that Charlie Brown is a mentally retarded kid whose parents ignore him so he goes around being taken advantage of by other kids and always hoping something good will happen to him. The punchline? It never does. To be honest, that does sound pretty funny when I put it that way, but what cripples the comic even further is that the same punchline is reused constantly. Ask anyone (or anyone old, I guess) what are some things that happen in the Peanuts comic strip and they can instantly tell you some of the jokes - not like, "Those crazy kids constantly get in trouble at school," but, "Charlie Brown tries to kick a football and Lucy moves it."
The only likable character in the entire series is Charlie Brown himself, and that's no fun because he's the one whom horrible things keep happening to, not matter how hopeful he gets. Even Charles Schultz himself, the creator of the comic strip, basically admitted the joke was on his fans by condensing every single joke from 50 years of his daily comics into one panel for his final Peanuts strip. Charlie Brown and Snoopy are cute, sure, and the theme song for the animated series is pretty awesome, but if you like Peanuts, you're a sucker for abuse.
Thing I Love: Mexican Menus
There's a lot of things that Mexico got, and continues to get, wrong, but they've gotten a few things right, and one of those things is distinctly Mexican-American: the Mexican menu. Most Mexican menus have a dictionary on one of the pages, telling you what a flauta, or a chimichanga, or whatever else they have is. Then, they just randomly put these different items together in combinations and give the combination a letter or a number. You want two tacos and
a chalupa? Order a 23. You want a burrito and a chimichanga with rice and beans? Order a K. Almost everything is the same price and the menu completely erases the problem of the language barrier. The waiter only has to understand numbers and letters (and, "More burrito sauce, por favor."). It really is pretty genius, and we do it at our fast food restaurants but that is with only a limited number of different meals. I'd like to be able to go into any restaurant and choose a few items in any combination I want to eat them. I know this isn't really practical in every setting, but I must tip my sombrero to the Mexicans on this one, they figured it out.
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Winner of the Super Bowl is...THE BLACK EYED PEAS
Yesterday was the 45th Super Bowl, played between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers. For some reason a lot of people like the Steelers (despite the fact that former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw said yesterday, during the pre-game show, "They're guarding that game-plan (or something) closer than they guard the recipe for Dr. Pepper down in Atlanta!" (paraphrase) Terry Bradshaw, you're an idiot (non-paraphrase). No one guards the recipe for Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Pepper isn't based in Atlanta. That's COCA-COLA, son. Different company entirely). At our Super Bowl party everyone (with an ounce of sense) was rooting for the Packers except one guy was undecided. My winning argument: "Big Ben LITERALLY raped a girl in Georgia. He flew to our state and raped a girl! Even if you are a die hard Steelers fan you still aren't allowed to root for him."
But let's face it, the game isn't that important. It was played, it was won, and there isn't any real controversy of which to speak. I'm here to address what everyone has sand in their crack about: the halftime show. I'm not a huge Black Eyed Peas fan - they have some pretty good party songs that get people jumping up and down and fist-pumping, and I can get behind that, but I just find them so silly and stupid. If I renamed myself An.D.Roo you would all hate me, and if you didn't than I would hate you. Regardless, this halftime show was AMAZING. I assumed that this was the one thing every single sane person in the world could get behind (that, and the fact that Bill O'Reilly is such a dick) until I got online and saw the haters. Well, if there's one thing in this world I love, it's Krystal burgers. But if there are two things in this world I love, it's Krystal burgers and arguing, so let's have an argument about this. Don't worry about commenting, I'll go ahead and deconstruct your arguments for you.
THESIS: The Black Eyed Peas halftime show was the best Super Bowl halftime show of the century, and in the Top 5 of all time.
Reasons Why:
This was just pure spectacle. Seriously, this halftime show STARTED with the four members of the group descending from ceiling dressed in some campy Buck Rodgers space gear, and hitting the stage singing, "I Gotta Feeling," their most chant-worthy anthem. Hundreds of dancers ran out onto the field wearing all white suits, resembling the ones in that weird 1984/Motorola commercial, and started dancing. As the songs went on, the dancers lined up in lines and their suits started lighting up, revealing the neon tubes lining them, Tron-style. So, as they dance, in the dark, their suits pulsate in time to the music.
Based on this the show is already way better than when some band of geriatrics prances about on stage and a crowd of teenage children of corporation owners scream and wave at the cameras and pretend they know what band is playing and that they've ever heard of them before. However, suddenly a trap door on the stage opens and, lifting up out of the smoke is Slash, playing the opening riff of, "Sweet Child of Mine." This was the moment when thousands of people across America came running out of the kitchen back into the living room saying, "WTF?" Fergie sings the Axel Rose part (not well, I readily admit) and then Slash descends back into his little closet in the stage (I assume). The Black Eyed Peas keep singing and the dancers form into shapes on the field, their suits lighting up to reveal a crowd of them shaped into an arrow, or something like that. How they do all of this in the dark, I don't know.
This still isn't good enough though. Suddenly the opening of, "O.M.G." the Usher song in which Will.i.am guests, begins, and, swinging down from the ceiling comes Usher, the second surprise guest of the night. Usher does his trademark super gay dancing (which even I must appreciate from a technical standpoint) and ends the song with his signature move, jumping over Will.i.am's head, landing in a split, and then standing back up again out of the split. That's called jaw-dropping.
But things STILL aren't over. The Black Eyed Peas launch into, "Where is the Love?" with the dancers carrying out large pieces of stage, forming them into the letters, "L-O-V-E" with different Peas on different stages. This is all from memory, so I can't remember the exact order of the songs, or what the finale was (it included fireworks, I'm sure, and was more underwhelming than whatever had come before) but I don't have to recall any of these things to know that this show kicked ass.
Reasons Why Not:
- They can't sing.
You might be right. The Black Eyed Peas music is heavily synthesized and auto-tuned and I really doubt their music is best experienced live. However, I don't think they can be blamed for obvious technical malfunctions, like the fact that Fergie's mic wasn't even turned on until several words into her first solo. Here's the truth though - it doesn't matter. A Super Bowl halftime show isn't an episode of American Idol. It is supposed to be a SHOW. Why do people go to concerts? To be close to a band they like, and experience that band with other people who also like them. No one really thinks that a band sings better live than they do on an album - if they do than their producer should be fired. We go to concerts for a communal experience, or because we really, really, like the band. I don't watch concerts on TV or on DVD (except for Nirvana's MTV Unplugged, which I used to just play on a loop when I lived alone) because it is one of the worst ways to experience a band's music. However, this is a concert that we're all watching on television. If I want the best audio version of any of these songs I'll go to iTunes. I want the Black Eyed Peas to put on a show.
- It was all about the spectacle.
No. Freaking. Kidding. You're watching the world's most commercialized and corporatized event - don't tell me you don't like spectacle. The Black Eyed Peas filled an entire football field (literally) with a concert, a light show, hundreds of dancers in space suits, and rotating movable stages. Let me reiterate - they descended from the ceiling. Slash made a surprise appearance through a trapdoor. This is a plus, not a minus.
- The NFL must not know their demographic.
The demographic of NFL fans is vastly different than the demographic of Super Bowl viewers. You know who is the latter demographic? EVERYONE IN AMERICA. Sports fans get the actual game, complete with inane useless comments from the Fox Sports announcers. Everyone else gets the commercials and the halftime show. If you think the Super Bowl is just about sports you're an idiot, because why else would Super Bowl commercials be famous (and cost 3 million for 30 seconds) and why would people even bother discussing the halftime show? If the next three years consist of halftime performances by Ke$ha, Lady GaGa, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry, then we can start complaining about demographic problems, but the Black Eyed Peas are the closest thing to a "new" or "hip" performance since Justin Timberlake in 2004 (and we all know how that ended - with the male version of Michael Jackson baring his nipple on stage).
Those are just the top three arguments I've heard brought against what will go down in history as THE! BEST! THING! EVER! If you have an argument of your own, feel free to punch yourself in the oatmeal bowl you call a skull and then have your legal guardian type it out for you between trips to Chuck E. Cheese's. However, remember the original thesis (reprinted here so your ape fingers don't have to figure out how to scroll back up):
THESIS: The Black Eyed Peas halftime show was the best Super Bowl halftime show of the century, and in the Top 5 of all time.
Here are the other halftime shows of the past 12 years:
2011: The Black Eyed Peas, Slash, Usher
2010: The Who
2009: Bruce Springsteen
2008: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
2007: Prince
2006: The Rolling Jokes
2005: Paul McCartney
2004: Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly, J. Timberlake
2003: No Doubt, Sting, Shania Twain
2002: U2
2001: Aerosmith, N*Sync, Britney Spears, Nelly, Mary J. Blige
2000: Xtina, Phil Collins, Enrique Iglesias, Toni Braxton
I own music by most of these artists, and like many of them more than I like the Black Eyed Peas. But music is only part of a live performance (especially a live television performance) and we're arguing about halftime shows, not halftime live albums to listen to on repeat on vinyl while dropping acid or stalking young girls. If the strongest part of your argument is the song, or the singing, you've already lost. There are one or two contenders on the list, sure, but they're contenders in the way that the Steelers are contenders - they were good enough once, but that was then, this is now.
But let's face it, the game isn't that important. It was played, it was won, and there isn't any real controversy of which to speak. I'm here to address what everyone has sand in their crack about: the halftime show. I'm not a huge Black Eyed Peas fan - they have some pretty good party songs that get people jumping up and down and fist-pumping, and I can get behind that, but I just find them so silly and stupid. If I renamed myself An.D.Roo you would all hate me, and if you didn't than I would hate you. Regardless, this halftime show was AMAZING. I assumed that this was the one thing every single sane person in the world could get behind (that, and the fact that Bill O'Reilly is such a dick) until I got online and saw the haters. Well, if there's one thing in this world I love, it's Krystal burgers. But if there are two things in this world I love, it's Krystal burgers and arguing, so let's have an argument about this. Don't worry about commenting, I'll go ahead and deconstruct your arguments for you.
THESIS: The Black Eyed Peas halftime show was the best Super Bowl halftime show of the century, and in the Top 5 of all time.
Reasons Why:
This was just pure spectacle. Seriously, this halftime show STARTED with the four members of the group descending from ceiling dressed in some campy Buck Rodgers space gear, and hitting the stage singing, "I Gotta Feeling," their most chant-worthy anthem. Hundreds of dancers ran out onto the field wearing all white suits, resembling the ones in that weird 1984/Motorola commercial, and started dancing. As the songs went on, the dancers lined up in lines and their suits started lighting up, revealing the neon tubes lining them, Tron-style. So, as they dance, in the dark, their suits pulsate in time to the music.
Based on this the show is already way better than when some band of geriatrics prances about on stage and a crowd of teenage children of corporation owners scream and wave at the cameras and pretend they know what band is playing and that they've ever heard of them before. However, suddenly a trap door on the stage opens and, lifting up out of the smoke is Slash, playing the opening riff of, "Sweet Child of Mine." This was the moment when thousands of people across America came running out of the kitchen back into the living room saying, "WTF?" Fergie sings the Axel Rose part (not well, I readily admit) and then Slash descends back into his little closet in the stage (I assume). The Black Eyed Peas keep singing and the dancers form into shapes on the field, their suits lighting up to reveal a crowd of them shaped into an arrow, or something like that. How they do all of this in the dark, I don't know.
This still isn't good enough though. Suddenly the opening of, "O.M.G." the Usher song in which Will.i.am guests, begins, and, swinging down from the ceiling comes Usher, the second surprise guest of the night. Usher does his trademark super gay dancing (which even I must appreciate from a technical standpoint) and ends the song with his signature move, jumping over Will.i.am's head, landing in a split, and then standing back up again out of the split. That's called jaw-dropping.
But things STILL aren't over. The Black Eyed Peas launch into, "Where is the Love?" with the dancers carrying out large pieces of stage, forming them into the letters, "L-O-V-E" with different Peas on different stages. This is all from memory, so I can't remember the exact order of the songs, or what the finale was (it included fireworks, I'm sure, and was more underwhelming than whatever had come before) but I don't have to recall any of these things to know that this show kicked ass.
Reasons Why Not:
- They can't sing.
You might be right. The Black Eyed Peas music is heavily synthesized and auto-tuned and I really doubt their music is best experienced live. However, I don't think they can be blamed for obvious technical malfunctions, like the fact that Fergie's mic wasn't even turned on until several words into her first solo. Here's the truth though - it doesn't matter. A Super Bowl halftime show isn't an episode of American Idol. It is supposed to be a SHOW. Why do people go to concerts? To be close to a band they like, and experience that band with other people who also like them. No one really thinks that a band sings better live than they do on an album - if they do than their producer should be fired. We go to concerts for a communal experience, or because we really, really, like the band. I don't watch concerts on TV or on DVD (except for Nirvana's MTV Unplugged, which I used to just play on a loop when I lived alone) because it is one of the worst ways to experience a band's music. However, this is a concert that we're all watching on television. If I want the best audio version of any of these songs I'll go to iTunes. I want the Black Eyed Peas to put on a show.
- It was all about the spectacle.
No. Freaking. Kidding. You're watching the world's most commercialized and corporatized event - don't tell me you don't like spectacle. The Black Eyed Peas filled an entire football field (literally) with a concert, a light show, hundreds of dancers in space suits, and rotating movable stages. Let me reiterate - they descended from the ceiling. Slash made a surprise appearance through a trapdoor. This is a plus, not a minus.
- The NFL must not know their demographic.
The demographic of NFL fans is vastly different than the demographic of Super Bowl viewers. You know who is the latter demographic? EVERYONE IN AMERICA. Sports fans get the actual game, complete with inane useless comments from the Fox Sports announcers. Everyone else gets the commercials and the halftime show. If you think the Super Bowl is just about sports you're an idiot, because why else would Super Bowl commercials be famous (and cost 3 million for 30 seconds) and why would people even bother discussing the halftime show? If the next three years consist of halftime performances by Ke$ha, Lady GaGa, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry, then we can start complaining about demographic problems, but the Black Eyed Peas are the closest thing to a "new" or "hip" performance since Justin Timberlake in 2004 (and we all know how that ended - with the male version of Michael Jackson baring his nipple on stage).
Those are just the top three arguments I've heard brought against what will go down in history as THE! BEST! THING! EVER! If you have an argument of your own, feel free to punch yourself in the oatmeal bowl you call a skull and then have your legal guardian type it out for you between trips to Chuck E. Cheese's. However, remember the original thesis (reprinted here so your ape fingers don't have to figure out how to scroll back up):
THESIS: The Black Eyed Peas halftime show was the best Super Bowl halftime show of the century, and in the Top 5 of all time.
Here are the other halftime shows of the past 12 years:
2011: The Black Eyed Peas, Slash, Usher
2010: The Who
2009: Bruce Springsteen
2008: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
2007: Prince
2006: The Rolling Jokes
2005: Paul McCartney
2004: Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly, J. Timberlake
2003: No Doubt, Sting, Shania Twain
2002: U2
2001: Aerosmith, N*Sync, Britney Spears, Nelly, Mary J. Blige
2000: Xtina, Phil Collins, Enrique Iglesias, Toni Braxton
I own music by most of these artists, and like many of them more than I like the Black Eyed Peas. But music is only part of a live performance (especially a live television performance) and we're arguing about halftime shows, not halftime live albums to listen to on repeat on vinyl while dropping acid or stalking young girls. If the strongest part of your argument is the song, or the singing, you've already lost. There are one or two contenders on the list, sure, but they're contenders in the way that the Steelers are contenders - they were good enough once, but that was then, this is now.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Friday's Movie of the Week
Every Friday we will have a movie post where we talk about the movies that are released that day, the movies we saw the past week, recommend a movie (and you should certainly take our suggestions, as we are snobs with great taste (except Clayton)), and use this space to ramble about anything movie related that might catch our fancy. What a run on sentence.
My favorite thing about The Roommate is the advertising. The TV spots talk about how, "Every year 18 billion teenagers become college roommates with someone they've NEVER EVEN MET. What if that person was a nutty, jealous psychopath?" I can only assume it's not a great idea to tell your audience of 14 year old girls, "You know your knew best friend? She's probably jealous, trying to steal your boyfriend, spying on you, and will eventually kill you." Now that I think about it, the plot of Prom Night is (I might be making this up entirely as I think I watched this but certainly not while paying attention) that some Mexican janitor is peeping at girls in the shower or something and gets put in jail and then escapes and goes to kill the girl who turned him in. Let's take people in their early teens (the dumbest age you will ever be) and make them think everyone they know is trying to kill and rape them.
Also released today is a movie titled, "JAMES CAMERON PRESENTS SANCTUM PRESENTED BY JAMES CAMERON." The movie is about people going very deep into underwater caves and, shockingly, things go wrong. It's based on a true story so I'm sure not too many people die or I would remember this being in the news (you can see I do a lot of research here). The fact that they're pushing JAMES CAMERON and THREEEEE DEEEEEE! so hard in all advertisement for this movie, and that it's coming out in February means the movie sucks, but I bet it will at least be pretty to look at.
In the past week I've seen:
- Lolita
- The Ghost Writer
- Dogtooth
- God's Country
- Afghan Star
- Die Hard
God's Country was so interesting, and very nearly great, but seemed to end a bit too abruptly. A French documentary filmmaker travelling through Minnesota in 1979 stops in a tiny farm town to film an old lady he sees working in her flower garden, and ends up staying in the town for weeks interviewing the local farmers, police, veterans, nursing home residents, and youth of the town. It's just amazing to see the people, and the styles, and to hear them talk about their lives, and their futures, and their hobbies, and their history, and their religion, and everything that makes up life for a small, conservative country town. Then, the filmmaker returns to the town 6 years later, in 1985, and interviews that same people he met before. It was really incredible to see how people had changed, and how they stayed the same. Everyone was a little bit fatter, their hair a little bit thinner, and all more stressed and unhappy. The age of the independent farmer was drawing to an end, and the town's economy was severely affected as the price of milk dropped more and more across America, and Reagan was quintupling the deficit.
One farmer had become a right wing nut of sorts, wearing a Washington D.C. shirt, talking about the founding fathers, and attempting to get all farmers to band together and stop paying taxes. The hippie type son (who lived in California in 1979, but his parents lived in the town) who had burned his draft card now lived in New York and was a business man who sold software. The young couple with three kids who had a farm of their own are now contemplating closing it down and the wife has had to go to work. It's a really interesting movie but the 1985 part was just far too short and some of the people who I really wanted updates on had moved. It's definitely worth a watch though.
However, our recommended movie of the week is a movie that Clayton watched, the Korean film, "Mother." I saw this movie last year and it is so, so great. It's probably my favorite movie of 2010, or at least in the top 3. The plot centers around an older Korean woman and her son, a mentally challenged (or severely autistic or something) teenage son. She's understandably extremely protective of him, and when he's accused of a murder her mothering protectiveness kicks into overdrive, with the lengths she'll go to in order to clear his name getting pushed further and further. The final shot in the movie is unforgettable, and the first thing I asked Clayton about when he told me he had seen the movie. The actress who plays the titular character is phenomenal. I don't know if it's because she's Asian and I've never seen her before, but I had to keep reminding myself that she's an actress, and supposedly very different in real life. In my opinion she should win the Oscar this year and every other year (or at least as many times as Meryl Streep has won).
Do yourself a favor and see this movie. Korean cinema is very different than American cinema, with the tone and narrative structure being distinctly foreign. It's really difficult to compare Mother to an American movie because there's not really anything like it, not in terms of subject matter, but in terms of the way the story is told. There aren't any narrative tricks or anything, but there's a very Korean sensibility that I've only found in other Korean films. I can't imagine this being remade in America. Mother is available on Netflix Instant and every person in the world should watch it, subtitles and all.
NOTE: (We hope to have daily columns such as this one but are still ironing things out and figuring what works and what doesn't. I know this particular post was far too long and boring, but in the future the Movie of the Week post will be briefer and more entertaining.)
This weekend the movie The Roommate is coming out. It's carrying on the new tradition of former Friday Night Lights stars appearing in horrible cheap horror movies. First Jason Street in Prom Night, then Tara in Legion, and now Lyla Garrity (Minka Kelly) in this piece of crap. I haven't seen the movie of course, and I won't, but I can already tell exactly what the movie will be like. It's one of those cookie-cutter PG-13 horror movies that are for junior high students to go to on dates or in groups. They all sit together, talking the entire time, with a few, "hilarious" guys shouting stuff at the screen, and then whenever a jump scare occurs they all scream and then all burst out laughing for having screamed. It's a truly terrible experience.
 |
| The Roommate 2 |
Also released today is a movie titled, "JAMES CAMERON PRESENTS SANCTUM PRESENTED BY JAMES CAMERON." The movie is about people going very deep into underwater caves and, shockingly, things go wrong. It's based on a true story so I'm sure not too many people die or I would remember this being in the news (you can see I do a lot of research here). The fact that they're pushing JAMES CAMERON and THREEEEE DEEEEEE! so hard in all advertisement for this movie, and that it's coming out in February means the movie sucks, but I bet it will at least be pretty to look at.
In the past week I've seen:
- Lolita
- The Ghost Writer
- Dogtooth
- God's Country
- Afghan Star
- Die Hard
God's Country was so interesting, and very nearly great, but seemed to end a bit too abruptly. A French documentary filmmaker travelling through Minnesota in 1979 stops in a tiny farm town to film an old lady he sees working in her flower garden, and ends up staying in the town for weeks interviewing the local farmers, police, veterans, nursing home residents, and youth of the town. It's just amazing to see the people, and the styles, and to hear them talk about their lives, and their futures, and their hobbies, and their history, and their religion, and everything that makes up life for a small, conservative country town. Then, the filmmaker returns to the town 6 years later, in 1985, and interviews that same people he met before. It was really incredible to see how people had changed, and how they stayed the same. Everyone was a little bit fatter, their hair a little bit thinner, and all more stressed and unhappy. The age of the independent farmer was drawing to an end, and the town's economy was severely affected as the price of milk dropped more and more across America, and Reagan was quintupling the deficit.
One farmer had become a right wing nut of sorts, wearing a Washington D.C. shirt, talking about the founding fathers, and attempting to get all farmers to band together and stop paying taxes. The hippie type son (who lived in California in 1979, but his parents lived in the town) who had burned his draft card now lived in New York and was a business man who sold software. The young couple with three kids who had a farm of their own are now contemplating closing it down and the wife has had to go to work. It's a really interesting movie but the 1985 part was just far too short and some of the people who I really wanted updates on had moved. It's definitely worth a watch though.
However, our recommended movie of the week is a movie that Clayton watched, the Korean film, "Mother." I saw this movie last year and it is so, so great. It's probably my favorite movie of 2010, or at least in the top 3. The plot centers around an older Korean woman and her son, a mentally challenged (or severely autistic or something) teenage son. She's understandably extremely protective of him, and when he's accused of a murder her mothering protectiveness kicks into overdrive, with the lengths she'll go to in order to clear his name getting pushed further and further. The final shot in the movie is unforgettable, and the first thing I asked Clayton about when he told me he had seen the movie. The actress who plays the titular character is phenomenal. I don't know if it's because she's Asian and I've never seen her before, but I had to keep reminding myself that she's an actress, and supposedly very different in real life. In my opinion she should win the Oscar this year and every other year (or at least as many times as Meryl Streep has won).
Do yourself a favor and see this movie. Korean cinema is very different than American cinema, with the tone and narrative structure being distinctly foreign. It's really difficult to compare Mother to an American movie because there's not really anything like it, not in terms of subject matter, but in terms of the way the story is told. There aren't any narrative tricks or anything, but there's a very Korean sensibility that I've only found in other Korean films. I can't imagine this being remade in America. Mother is available on Netflix Instant and every person in the world should watch it, subtitles and all.
NOTE: (We hope to have daily columns such as this one but are still ironing things out and figuring what works and what doesn't. I know this particular post was far too long and boring, but in the future the Movie of the Week post will be briefer and more entertaining.)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Super Bowl Super Bet List
My favorite holiday of the year will be coming up in a few short days: Super Bowl Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is perhaps the most American of all our national holidays (with the possible exception of Cinco de Mayo, but more on that in May) as it is the culmination of the NFL season, and everyone knows the NFL is a perfect representation of America.
I know baseball is given the name, "America's pastime" and I think it is a great representation of what America once was (warm summer days, a slow paced game, and full of white guys) but football is America NOW - loud and aggressive, slick and polished, ridiculously masculine, and with commercial breaks every two minutes.
All of that aside, a great way to add enjoyment to your Super Bowl viewing (and make it fun and exciting even to those at your Super Bowl party who know nothing about football) is to make bets on the game. I'm not talking about betting the way they bet in Vegas, where you bet the spread or bet on who the MVP will be or anything that requires you to actually have knowledge of the game, I'm talking about a series of bets known as
THE SUPER BOWL SUPER BET SUPER LIST
These bets can be assigned point values for each bet, or to make it even simpler whoever gets the most bets right automatically wins.
1. Who will win the coin toss?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
2. Will the coin be heads or tails?
A. Heads
B. Tails
3. Who will kick off the game?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
4. Who will score the first points of the game?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
5. Who will score the first points of the game?
A. A white guy.
B. A black guy.
6. In what quarter will the first touchdown be scored?
A. First quarter.
B. Second quarter.
C. Third quarter.
D. Fourth quarter.
7. Who will be winning at half time?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
8. Choose two songs the Black Eyed Peas will perform
A. I Gotta Feeling
B. Boom Boom Pow
C. Meet Me Halfway
D. Let's Get It Started
9. Will Fergie pee herself on stage?
A. Yes
B. Yes
10. Will the first commercial be a beer commercial?
A. Yes
B. No
11. Which brand will be the first to have a commercial after the game starts:
A. Bud Light
B. Miller Lite
C. Pepsi
D. Godaddy.com
12. How many times will the announcers say that they might not personally agree with some of the
decisions Ben Roethlisberger has made in his personal life, but he really seems to have changed,
or some variation on this meme?
A. Below 5
B. 5 or above
13. How many times will the announcers refer to Aaron Rodgers as, "clean shaven" or "all American"?
A. Below 4
B. 4 or above
14. Who will win the game (AKA Will Roethlisberger be raping around Hawaii in celebration or consolation?)?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
15. Will the game go into overtime?
A. Yes
B. No
Print this out, hang it on the wall, make everyone write their initials beside their favored choice at least 15 minutes before the game. However you score it make sure to have a mediocre to lame prize for whoever wins (their real reward will always be the knowledge that they were right and everyone else was wrong) but more importantly you must have an appropriately horrible punishment for whoever does the worst. This list should satisfy even the biggest gambling addict in your life and serve as a wonderful way to pull you closer together - and really, isn't that what the holidays are all about?
I know baseball is given the name, "America's pastime" and I think it is a great representation of what America once was (warm summer days, a slow paced game, and full of white guys) but football is America NOW - loud and aggressive, slick and polished, ridiculously masculine, and with commercial breaks every two minutes.
All of that aside, a great way to add enjoyment to your Super Bowl viewing (and make it fun and exciting even to those at your Super Bowl party who know nothing about football) is to make bets on the game. I'm not talking about betting the way they bet in Vegas, where you bet the spread or bet on who the MVP will be or anything that requires you to actually have knowledge of the game, I'm talking about a series of bets known as
THE SUPER BOWL SUPER BET SUPER LIST
These bets can be assigned point values for each bet, or to make it even simpler whoever gets the most bets right automatically wins.
1. Who will win the coin toss?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
2. Will the coin be heads or tails?
A. Heads
B. Tails
3. Who will kick off the game?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
4. Who will score the first points of the game?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
5. Who will score the first points of the game?
A. A white guy.
B. A black guy.
6. In what quarter will the first touchdown be scored?
A. First quarter.
B. Second quarter.
C. Third quarter.
D. Fourth quarter.
7. Who will be winning at half time?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
8. Choose two songs the Black Eyed Peas will perform
A. I Gotta Feeling
B. Boom Boom Pow
C. Meet Me Halfway
D. Let's Get It Started
9. Will Fergie pee herself on stage?
A. Yes
B. Yes
10. Will the first commercial be a beer commercial?
A. Yes
B. No
11. Which brand will be the first to have a commercial after the game starts:
A. Bud Light
B. Miller Lite
C. Pepsi
D. Godaddy.com
12. How many times will the announcers say that they might not personally agree with some of the
decisions Ben Roethlisberger has made in his personal life, but he really seems to have changed,
or some variation on this meme?
A. Below 5
B. 5 or above
13. How many times will the announcers refer to Aaron Rodgers as, "clean shaven" or "all American"?
A. Below 4
B. 4 or above
14. Who will win the game (AKA Will Roethlisberger be raping around Hawaii in celebration or consolation?)?
A. The Pittsburgh Steelers
B. The Green Bay Packers
15. Will the game go into overtime?
A. Yes
B. No
Print this out, hang it on the wall, make everyone write their initials beside their favored choice at least 15 minutes before the game. However you score it make sure to have a mediocre to lame prize for whoever wins (their real reward will always be the knowledge that they were right and everyone else was wrong) but more importantly you must have an appropriately horrible punishment for whoever does the worst. This list should satisfy even the biggest gambling addict in your life and serve as a wonderful way to pull you closer together - and really, isn't that what the holidays are all about?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
And so it begins.
Welcome to O'Dellicious, a blog of self-indulgent sensationalism of the mundane. We are two brothers who are dedicated to describing the world in words, dedicated to taking what we say and allowing others the privilege of listening. Will they? Will you? Regardless, we'll keep talking.
As our blog begins to populate with our ramblings, check both the tags at the bottom of each post and also the title for keywords as to what each article is out. Our writings will range from short fictions to random murmurings to commentaries on news events, movies, music, or anything else the world needs to know our opinion on. As the blog progresses we aim to set up a regular schedule of articles with various subjects you should get used to seeing, but until then be sure to scan both titles and tags to familiarize yourself with what we're writing about on any given day.
We obviously accept any and all commentaries on our writings. E-mails are welcome, but the quickest and best way to be involved in the conversation would be to post a quick commento n the individual article. If you are posting, we'd love for you to register on Blogspot or connect your Facebook to Blogspot and become a fan of our blog. Though we do welcome hate, love, or any type of observation in the form of comments, professions of undying love are pretty overdone at this point in time, so keep it to yourself.
To our loyal (ha) readers on Facebook, as much as we love you all we'd love you even more if you sign up as a fan of our blog and leave comments on our actual website in addition to our Facebook Notes. Your comments fuel our creative juices, and our creative juices fuel your comments. It's a wonderfully non-vicious cycle that we want all of you to be a part of.
Use the sidebar to locate recent articles you may have missed and just can't live without reading. The more we write the more it'll fil up, so use the tool to find what you NEED to read.
Thank you for reading (and keep doing it!)
-Andrew and Clayton
As our blog begins to populate with our ramblings, check both the tags at the bottom of each post and also the title for keywords as to what each article is out. Our writings will range from short fictions to random murmurings to commentaries on news events, movies, music, or anything else the world needs to know our opinion on. As the blog progresses we aim to set up a regular schedule of articles with various subjects you should get used to seeing, but until then be sure to scan both titles and tags to familiarize yourself with what we're writing about on any given day.
We obviously accept any and all commentaries on our writings. E-mails are welcome, but the quickest and best way to be involved in the conversation would be to post a quick commento n the individual article. If you are posting, we'd love for you to register on Blogspot or connect your Facebook to Blogspot and become a fan of our blog. Though we do welcome hate, love, or any type of observation in the form of comments, professions of undying love are pretty overdone at this point in time, so keep it to yourself.
To our loyal (ha) readers on Facebook, as much as we love you all we'd love you even more if you sign up as a fan of our blog and leave comments on our actual website in addition to our Facebook Notes. Your comments fuel our creative juices, and our creative juices fuel your comments. It's a wonderfully non-vicious cycle that we want all of you to be a part of.
Use the sidebar to locate recent articles you may have missed and just can't live without reading. The more we write the more it'll fil up, so use the tool to find what you NEED to read.
Thank you for reading (and keep doing it!)
-Andrew and Clayton
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