Andrew's H8/LV of the Week

I was supposed to write this yesterday but instead flew into a rage. I'm a calm and rational guy who rarely gets upset - sure, I have emotions, but they never control me. But occasionally I redline, or actually blow the gauge and go past white-hot anger straight into dispassionate, cold, seething rage, in which case I might do something horrific and regrettable, and not even care. I've built some safeguards into myself to avoid this situation, so whenever it happens I immediately fall asleep. Therefore I fell asleep at 8 p.m. last night and didn't wake up until 7 this morning, when I stepped out of bed into a pile of cat vomit. YAYME.


Every week I love things. Every week I hate things. These are those things.

THREE THINGS I HATE, AND ONE THING I LOVE:

Thing I Hate #3: Local Car Advertisements

            You know how someone will start doing/collecting/becoming something incredibly tacky and obnoxious (i.e. the entire state of Texas) because they lack both self-awareness and class, and then, once they realize everyone is making fun of them pretend they were in on the joke the entire time? That is what a local car advertisement is. Somewhere back in the annals (or anus) of history someone had the bright idea to dress in a wacky costume, scream as loudly as possible at the camera, and put a giant inflatable gorilla on the roof in order to sell cars. This was what is known as a, "tipping point." A tipping point is when someone builds an entire mountain out of manure and tips a big wad of crap off of the top. The Pooball  rolls down the 

mountain, gathering both addition filth and speed, growing bigger and more disgusting with every rotation. Seriously stop and think about this - why does a car lot need a weird inflatable semi-human to jerk and dance violently in the wind? To catch your eye. Why do they need to catch your eye? To get you to stop. Why do they need to get you to stop? To aggressively attack you with lies and tricks designed to get you to pay thousands of dollars more than what a vehicle is worth. There's always a balance between style and substance, and when someone throws themselves that firmly into the style camp, you can bet they're over-compensating for something.

Thing I Hate #2: Dentists Who Talk

            I've gone to the same dentist for the past 20 years. I've even had the same hygienist for nearly that long. They've redecorated, gotten new tools (thankfully. It would be pretty sad if they were using the same tools from 20 years ago), had kids, watched my sweet self grow into a man of grace, wit, and beauty, and quit giving me prizes after I get my teeth cleaned. One thing, however, has not changed - their unquenchable desire for conversation. I'm a horribly unfriendly person, I admit. I hate it when hairstylists attempt to talk to me, I hate it when waitresses try and chit chat, but you have to agree with me here. When someone has both of their arms elbow deep inside of my mouth (yeah, I got talents), are wearing a mask covering their own mouth, and 

are staring at my teeth, is it really necessary to ask, "So, how is your sister doing?" I honestly don't know what I am expected to do. I've tried to change their behavior by, whenever they ask me a question, immediately answer by talking, even though their hands are inside of me. This didn't seem to work so now I answer every single question with a monotone, "Unnhh." This non-committal grunt seems to satisfy their need for small talk, and isn't quite as rude as ignoring them entirely, but let's use some sense here people - small talk in and of itself is pointless, but small talk when you restrain the other person from speaking is borderline insane. 

Thing I Hate #3: Charlie Brown

            I understand that people used to think Charlie Brown was funny, or cute, or whatever. Those people were wrong. Charlie Brown might have been funny enough for comic strips back in 1950, but I can't understand the affection people still retain for him. The entire point of the comic is that Charlie Brown is a mentally retarded kid whose parents ignore him so he goes around being taken advantage of by other kids and always hoping something good will happen to him. The punchline? It never does. To be honest, that does sound pretty funny when I put it that way, but what cripples the comic even further is that the same punchline is reused constantly. Ask anyone (or anyone old, I guess) what are some things that happen in the Peanuts comic strip and they can instantly tell you some of the jokes - not like, "Those crazy kids constantly get in trouble at school," but, "Charlie Brown tries to kick a football and Lucy moves it." 

The only likable character in the entire series is Charlie Brown himself, and that's no fun because he's the one whom horrible things keep happening to, not matter how hopeful he gets. Even Charles Schultz himself, the creator of the comic strip, basically admitted the joke was on his fans by condensing every single joke from 50 years of his daily comics into one panel for his final Peanuts strip. Charlie Brown and Snoopy are cute, sure, and the theme song for the animated series is pretty awesome, but if you like Peanuts, you're a sucker for abuse. 

Thing I Love: Mexican Menus

           There's a lot of things that Mexico got, and continues to get, wrong, but they've gotten a few things right, and one of those things is distinctly Mexican-American: the Mexican menu. Most Mexican menus have a dictionary on one of the pages, telling you what a flauta, or a chimichanga, or whatever else they have is. Then, they just randomly put these different items together in combinations and give the combination a letter or a number. You want two tacos and 

a chalupa? Order a 23. You want a burrito and a chimichanga with rice and beans? Order a K. Almost everything is the same price and the menu completely erases the problem of the language barrier. The waiter only has to understand numbers and letters (and, "More burrito sauce, por favor."). It really is pretty genius, and we do it at our fast food restaurants but that is with only a limited number of different meals. I'd like to be able to go into any restaurant and choose a few items in any combination I want to eat them. I know this isn't really practical in every setting, but I must tip my sombrero to the Mexicans on this one, they figured it out.