Andrew's H8/LV 2/15/11

Every week I love things. Every week I hate things. These are those things.



Thing I Hate #1: SHOES THAT DON'T FIT (GIRLS)
             Ladies, I love you. You're all beautiful in your own unique way (blahblahblah etc etc). Listen, I understand that life isn't fair and that men (that dastardly race of hairy maniacal beasts) force you into all sorts of strange and unnatural items of clothing in order to be more attractive. However, if you're going to wear heels (or pumps or flats or pegs or whatever else you call your shoes that I don't quite understand) wear heels that fit. There is nothing more unappealing than a little something that I like to call, "toe cleavage." It is when the shoe is just a little too big (or perhaps your toes have confused themselves and believe they are fingers, and are just a little too long) and showing above the toe portion of the shoe are the beginning of the splits between each toe. Right now stop what you are doing (which is reading this and swooning, I'm sure) and go to your closet and try on every pair of "those" types of shoes, to make sure they all fit accurately. I'm not trying to erect yet another hoop for you to all jump through - on the contrary I'm trying to save you some

This is why women don't have 10 tiny breasts

trouble. If you don't have the right sort of feet, or the right fit in your shoes, just wear open-toed shoes or sneakers or combat boots or something along those lines. Good looking shoes are designed to make your feet good looking, and when I can see your toe cleavage you A) Look like a little kid wearing your mom's shoes and B) Look like a monkey wearing a little kid's mom's shoes. It honestly makes me physically nauseous, and while I know most guys may not agree with me (and probably don't even notice, since they're too busy coming up with incredibly successful pick-up lines) you should realize that I am, of course, entirely right in this matter and I'm only mentioning this as a public service to both you, your feet, and my physical well being.

Thing I Hate #2: The State Farm Guy

            Unfortunately I'm not as original as I would like to be, as I just found out while searching for pictures for this article that there is a Facebook page called, "I hate the State Farm Guy." To be fair to me, there's a Facebook page about everything that has ever (or will ever) exist. I also found out that this guy is evidently Latino, which, of course, makes me hate him even more! Forrealz though, I hate this guy. I'm not calling him a bad actor, or saying he has done anything purposefully wrong, I just hate his stupid face. There's something so smug and patronizing about him that makes me violently hateful. Every time one of his commercials comes on I have to change the channel, leave the room, or cause an abortion. Really I can't blame the fellow, but rather myself, for the intense desire to punch him in the face the instant I see him. There are these types of people in life that rub us exactly the wrong way, through no fault of their own, just like there are people who rub us the exact right way (Milla Jovovich, I'm lookin' at you, kid). Sincerely though, I want to commit so many crimes whenever I see this fellow that I feel like he should be banned from television for the safety of America. It appears that State Farm has entered into a perverse contest with Geico and Progressive to have the worst insurance commercials imaginable, and have abandoned this guy for the new, "State Farm is there!" sing-song commercials that make absolutely no sense and are amazingly unfunny. My breakable furniture thanks you.

Things I Hate #3: Teenagers

            There was a time when I legitimately thought that teenagers were misunderstood and correct in their outlook on the world (hint: I was a teenager at this time). I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel, as everyone with common sense hates teenagers, but I'll admit - this is a bit personal. I went to a local bar tonight and there was a rowdy group of teenagers sitting in the back room by the pool table congregating to achieve the common goal of breaking the Guinness Book of World Records record for the most annoying and worthless wastes of fertilized eggs ever to slouch upon the face of the Earth. I attempted to ignore them as they sneaked alcohol from their 21+ friends, broke glasses, knocked over chairs, and then tried to sneak out without paying (only to be caught, told, "get your shit together" and then complained about being cursed at). I'm a congenial fellow, but I really thought I was going to get in a fight before I left tonight. I fully expected one of their dumb, sweatpant-ed, flat-brimmed capped, asses to say something to myself or my wife and after that, as Daniel Plainview once explained to me, "there will be blood." Teenagers are completely worthless and the only reason we put up with them is that we hope they'll turn into adults at some point. I've been around enough of their destructive, immature, idiotic, incapable selves (and I've been all of things at some point during the years in which I was a teenager) to know that every stereotype about teenagers isn't only true, it's giving them far too much credit. I understand we all have to go from children to adult and learning comes best through experience, but the fetishization of and catering to teenagers that is so predominant in America is a travesty that only serves to make dumb kids dumber. 

Thing I Love: BEEF JERKY
            There are two reasons to love beef jerky. One, there's absolutely nothing NOT to love about it and two, it's the greatest thing ever. Some people have, in the past, perhaps expressed the opinion that I am prone to exaggeration. To those people I say simply, "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR BEEF JERKY." Just stop for a moment and really think about beef jerky (something I do several times daily). It's dried beef. That's it, really. Just meat, dried and spiced and tough and chewy and delicious. You hold a piece up in your hand, maybe to the sun, maybe to your Maker, and then bring it to your mouth, biting down and pulling away with your hand, ripping a piece of the meat off like dinomeat from a brontosaurus drumstick. There are a lot of different snacks in the world - candy, snack cakes, chips, gum, etc., but rarely do you find a snack that is just pure unadulterated meat. Another thing that makes beef jerky so great is that it has been made since at least 246,000,000 BCE. It isn't an overprocessed sickly sweet piece of trash for your underdeveloped childlike taste buds to clamor over as if they have Bieber Fever - no, it's a piece of glory that your animalistic brain recognizes as having descended through the ages in the perfect form of life giving sustenance. In all seriousness, there were most likely people eating Mastodon Jerky thousands of years ago. That's just amazing.
        The only downside to beef jerky (and I say "beef" jerky, but any type of jerky is fine by me, unless it's like tomato jerky or something) is that it's so damn expensive. A small bag of it is like $5.99, and I can eat two of those bags before I even get home from the gas station. I've never killed any animal larger than an insect on purpose (except the world's largest snapping turtle, but that was to save a life (my own) and is a different story for a different time (and besides, I thought it was a rock)) but I've honestly considered hunting, just so I could kill something and make the entire whatever-I-kill into jerky. I've had beef jerky, buffalo jerky, alligator jerky, deer jerky, and once, during Spring Break in Papua New Guinea, human jerky. It's all marvelous, it's all wonderful, and it is the thing I love this, and every other, week.