The Winner of the Super Bowl is...THE BLACK EYED PEAS

            Yesterday was the 45th Super Bowl, played between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers. For some reason a lot of people like the Steelers (despite the fact that former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw said yesterday, during the pre-game show, "They're guarding that game-plan (or something) closer than they guard the recipe for Dr. Pepper down in Atlanta!" (paraphrase) Terry Bradshaw, you're an idiot (non-paraphrase). No one guards the recipe for Dr. Pepper, and Dr. Pepper isn't based in Atlanta. That's COCA-COLA, son. Different company entirely). At our Super Bowl party everyone (with an ounce of sense) was rooting for the Packers except one guy was undecided. My winning argument: "Big Ben LITERALLY raped a girl in Georgia. He flew to our state and raped a girl! Even if you are a die hard Steelers fan you still aren't allowed to root for him."

          But let's face it, the game isn't that important. It was played, it was won, and there isn't any real controversy of which to speak. I'm here to address what everyone has sand in their crack about: the halftime show. I'm not a huge Black Eyed Peas fan - they have some pretty good party songs that get people jumping up and down and fist-pumping, and I can get behind that, but I just find them so silly and stupid. If I renamed myself An.D.Roo you would all hate me, and if you didn't than I would hate you. Regardless, this halftime show was AMAZING. I assumed that this was the one thing every single sane person in the world could get behind (that, and the fact that Bill O'Reilly is such a dick) until I got online and saw the haters. Well, if there's one thing in this world I love, it's Krystal burgers. But if there are two things in this world I love, it's Krystal burgers and arguing, so let's have an argument about this. Don't worry about commenting, I'll go ahead and deconstruct your arguments for you.

THESIS: The Black Eyed Peas halftime show was the best Super Bowl halftime show of the century, and in the Top 5 of all time.

Reasons Why:
          This was just pure spectacle. Seriously, this halftime show STARTED with the four members of the group descending from ceiling dressed in some campy Buck Rodgers space gear, and hitting the stage singing, "I Gotta Feeling," their most chant-worthy anthem. Hundreds of dancers ran out onto the field wearing all white suits, resembling the ones in that weird 1984/Motorola commercial, and started dancing. As the songs went on, the dancers lined up in lines and their suits started lighting up, revealing the neon tubes lining them, Tron-style. So, as they dance, in the dark, their suits pulsate in time to the music.

          Based on this the show is already way better than when some band of geriatrics prances about on stage and a crowd of teenage children of corporation owners scream and wave at the cameras and pretend they know what band is playing and that they've ever heard of them before. However, suddenly a trap door on the stage opens and, lifting up out of the smoke is Slash, playing the opening riff of, "Sweet Child of Mine." This was the moment when thousands of people across America came running out of the kitchen back into the living room saying, "WTF?" Fergie sings the Axel Rose part (not well, I readily admit) and then Slash descends back into his little closet in the stage (I assume). The Black Eyed Peas keep singing and the dancers form into shapes on the field, their suits lighting up to reveal a crowd of them shaped into an arrow, or something like that. How they do all of this in the dark, I don't know.

          This still isn't good enough though. Suddenly the opening of, "O.M.G." the Usher song in which Will.i.am guests, begins, and, swinging down from the ceiling comes Usher, the second surprise guest of the night. Usher does his trademark super gay dancing (which even I must appreciate from a technical standpoint) and ends the song with his signature move, jumping over Will.i.am's head, landing in a split, and then standing back up again out of the split. That's called jaw-dropping.

          But things STILL aren't over. The Black Eyed Peas launch into, "Where is the Love?" with the dancers carrying out large pieces of stage, forming them into the letters, "L-O-V-E" with different Peas on different stages. This is all from memory, so I can't remember the exact order of the songs, or what the finale was (it included fireworks, I'm sure, and was more underwhelming than whatever had come before) but I don't have to recall any of these things to know that this show kicked ass.

         Reasons Why Not:
               - They can't sing.
                         You might be right. The Black Eyed Peas music is heavily synthesized and auto-tuned and I really doubt their music is best experienced live. However, I don't think they can be blamed for obvious technical malfunctions, like the fact that Fergie's mic wasn't even turned on until several words into her first solo. Here's the truth though - it doesn't matter. A Super Bowl halftime show isn't an episode of American Idol. It is supposed to be a SHOW. Why do people go to concerts? To be close to a band they like, and experience that band with other people who also like them. No one really thinks that a band sings better live than they do on an album - if they do than their producer should be fired. We go to concerts for a communal experience, or because we really, really, like the band. I don't watch concerts on TV or on DVD (except for Nirvana's MTV Unplugged, which I used to just play on a loop when I lived alone) because it is one of the worst ways to experience a band's music. However, this is a concert  that we're all watching on television. If I want the best audio version of any of these songs I'll go to iTunes. I want the Black Eyed Peas to put on a show.


             - It was all about the spectacle.
                          No. Freaking. Kidding. You're watching the world's most commercialized and corporatized event - don't tell me you don't like spectacle. The Black Eyed Peas filled an entire football field (literally) with a concert, a light show, hundreds of dancers in space suits, and rotating movable stages. Let me reiterate - they descended from the ceiling. Slash made a surprise appearance through a trapdoor. This is a plus, not a minus.

             - The NFL must not know their demographic.
                          The demographic of NFL fans is vastly different than the demographic of Super Bowl viewers. You know who is the latter demographic? EVERYONE IN AMERICA. Sports fans get the actual game, complete with inane useless comments from the Fox Sports announcers. Everyone else gets the commercials and the halftime show. If you think the Super Bowl is just about sports you're an idiot, because why else would Super Bowl commercials be famous (and cost 3 million for 30 seconds) and why would people even bother discussing the halftime show? If the next three years consist of halftime performances by Ke$ha, Lady GaGa, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry, then we can start complaining about demographic problems, but the Black Eyed Peas are the closest thing to a "new" or "hip" performance since Justin Timberlake in 2004 (and we all know how that ended - with the male version of Michael Jackson baring his nipple on stage).

             Those are just the top three arguments I've heard brought against what will go down in history as THE! BEST! THING! EVER! If you have an argument of your own, feel free to punch yourself in the oatmeal bowl you call a skull and then have your legal guardian type it out for you between trips to Chuck E. Cheese's. However, remember the original thesis (reprinted here so your ape fingers don't have to figure out how to scroll back up):

THESIS: The Black Eyed Peas halftime show was the best Super Bowl halftime show of the century, and in the Top 5 of all time.


              Here are the other halftime shows of the past 12 years:

2011: The Black Eyed Peas, Slash, Usher
2010: The Who
2009: Bruce Springsteen
2008: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
2007: Prince
2006: The Rolling Jokes
2005: Paul McCartney
2004: Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly, J. Timberlake
2003: No Doubt, Sting, Shania Twain
2002: U2
2001: Aerosmith, N*Sync, Britney Spears, Nelly, Mary J. Blige
2000: Xtina, Phil Collins, Enrique Iglesias, Toni Braxton


            I own music by most of these artists, and like many of them more than I like the Black Eyed Peas. But music is only part of a live performance (especially a live television performance) and we're arguing about halftime shows, not halftime live albums to listen to on repeat on vinyl while dropping acid or stalking young girls. If the strongest part of your argument is the song, or the singing, you've already lost. There are one or two contenders on the list, sure, but they're contenders in the way that the Steelers are contenders - they were good enough once, but that was then, this is now.