THIS WEEK IN THUUUU NOOOOOOOSSSS!!!! (likewise I'm SHURE)

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS To be completely honest, I have not read one word, or watched or listened to one second of "real" news this week. I meant to, but I played Cafe World on Facebook instead. However, in the spirit of a true American newscaster, I don't need much in the way of facts - I know how to run my mouth. Without further ado, here's what was interesting to me:
The Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl VL
            The Super Bowl went exactly how nearly everyone thought it would, and the Packers out-played the Steelers, winning the Super Bowl for the fourth time (though two of the four were Super Bowls I and II). It's hard to believe that anyone who wasn't already a dye-in-the-wool Steelers fan would have pulled for the Steelers during this Super Bowl. Not only have they gone to the Super Bowl one million times this decade, they've won three out of the past six (or something). On top of all of that, Ben Roethlisberger is a disgusting,

sweaty, shaggy dog of a rapist. Really think about that - he's so gross that he's a multi-millionaire celebrity with three Super Bowl rings and he has to rape drunk college girls. I'm a sober, normal, gorgeous man with absolutely no money and I've been trying to rape chicks for at least three years with no success (you can't rape the willing, amirite????) All drunk college girls do is make horrible mistakes in choice of sexual partners, and they still won't throw a bone his way. I know that I probably seem obsessed with his, "alleged" rape of this poor blonde southern honey, but that's because I AM. People go to jail from dumb stuff every single day, but he rapes his merry way through the south, General Sherman style, and is free and clear to go to the Super Bowl. Personally, I think the punishment for rapists is that they get held down and raped. I could devise some sort of instrument wherein a dildo is attached to the end of an axe handle, in place of the head, and then we just put the rapist in colonial style stocks, pull their pants down, and swing away like we're playing croquet. On national television. Rape would end overnight.

People in Indiana Mistakenly Think They're Funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BScrP-lW60E
             A sub-section of national news is the weird or bizarre news stories that are fodder for morning radio or silly little websites (such as our own, but ones that people read). There will be some story like, "Teens Break Into Home, Steal Urn Full of Cremated Remains, and Snort, Thinking They're Drugs!" (a real story that happened this week). One such story takes place in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where a vote was held to determine the name for a new city structure of some sort (a convention center or something, I can't be bothered to do any actual research). Voters chose to name it after a long serving mayor of Fort Wayne, Harry Baals. This is obviously hilarious because in the video the news reporters constantly refer to him as, "Hairy Balls." Oh, and because everyone in the world is evidently a 13 year old boy. This is the kind of story that really grinds my gears because it's just people trying so hard to be funny, as opposed to actually reporting news. There is already a street named after Harry Baals, his last name is pronounced, "BALES," and it isn't even spelled, "balls." This might be newsworthy if they actually named the place, "Hairy Balls Convention Center" but we're snickering under our breath while reporting a story about voters wanting to name a city building after Mayor Harold Baals? Really?

            This reminds me of when the Chilean miners were being rescued from their (you guessed it!) mine, and a constantly repeated story in American (real American, not Chilean American) news was that one miner was being waited for by both his wife and his mistress! Ruh-roh Shaggy! He might just want to stay down in that mine HARHARHAR! Of course everyone neglected to report the fact that it's a well accepted practice in Chile to have both a wife and a mistress, and in some cases even have more than one family. But that's boring, isn't it? We should all just go for the easy joke because that's the job of a news reporter, to be the world's unfunniest comedian.
Old People Should Be Banned From the Internet

           While I could actually write at least 25 blog posts with this same headline, I'm sure everyone agrees with me so it isn't a point I'm going to argue. Instead, I'll just inform you about it's latest illustration. Congressman Chris Lee, (Republican, New York) has resigned this week after being caught on Craigslist trying to set up a date with a woman (her criteria for the type of man she was looking for: "Emotionally and financially stable, and doesn't look like a toad"). He sent her shirtless photos of himself flexing, and included HIS FACE in the pictures. This is clearly the result of growing up in a world without the Internet, as any 14 year old sexter knows that you should only send neck-down n00dz to the guys in your Junior High. Look, I don't really have a problem with Congresspeople cheating on their spouses. I think it's wrong, sure, but I also think it falls into a totally different area than the job we ask them to perform. I'm sure Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Anniston with Angelina Jolie, but I don't really care. That's between the three of them - all I ask is that they put in a good performance in whatever movie I happen to see them in. Martin Luther King Jr. was a notorious philanderer, and I don't think that changes the good he did for this country one iota, nor makes his speeches any less powerful. No one should cheat, we all know that, but what I care about most is my relationship with you (I am, after all, notoriously self-centered). If you are my surgeon, I'm much more concerned about how good of a surgeon you are than about how good of a husband or wife you are. I'm not planning on marrying you, I'm planning on letting you operate on me.

            All of that being said, I still think this guy should resign because he's clearly an idiot. Let me reiterate - he sent shirtless photos of himself, including his face, to a stranger on the Internet that he was trying to date. If every single congressperson did this, I'm pretty sure the chances of getting away with it would be less than 1%. I don't want someone who shows so little grasp of the realities of this day and age, along with the inability to do any sort of risk assessment or think further than one step ahead. Am I saying that I wish he was better at cheating? No, I'm just saying that the part of his stupidity that has the greatest chance of affecting me is the ignorance he showed in the way he went about it.
           



            Now on to the most important news of the week. The other day I was in a parking lot when I saw an old dirty car (like a mid-90s Sebring or something) pull up and park in the Fire Lane No Parking zone, and watched as a skinny, meth-head looking leathery old wrinkle of a white trash woman stepped out of the driver's seat, sucking on a cigarette as if it contained the last traces of Oxycotin in the world. She flicked the cigarette onto the pavement and wafted through the front door of the store like a horrible smell floating on the wind. The vanity tag on the back of her car? 2SEXY69





 Sometimes I want to die.