Friday's Movie of the Week

Friday is the day dedicated to complaining about the current state of Hollywood - especially in the early months of the year. January, February, and March are the months famous for being the dumping ground of Hollywood. Everyone has spent their money buying over-priced cheap plastic gifts for others for Christmas and need a few months to recover before spending their recently hard-earned cash on watching the Summer blockbusters. There remains one single bright spot on the movie landscape during these few months of famine and that is the O'Dellicious Live Oscar Webcast (as you may have noticed in the beautiful banner above). If you're reading this you are obviously a lonely nerd with no one to hang out with, so hang out with us, online, and experience unfunny commentary, massive amounts of liquor, live commercial reads, and probably some sort of physical altercation before the night ends. Sunday, February 27th. 


Friday's Movie of the Week


               Oh. Dear. God. I'm sure Clayton felt like he cornered the market in horrific movie releases last week with Just Go With (sh) It, and Gnomeo & Juliet but this week is more then determined to give last week a run for it's money (and by money, I mean a terrible score on Rotten Tomatoes). I know people will go to theaters this weekend, and I get it, sometimes you live in an incredibly small town where there is literally nothing to do. The only thing I can ask is this - pay to see another movie than whatever tripe you're actually going to see. If The King's Speech is playing, pay for that and sneak into a different theater. I don't care what you actually see, I just care what message you send to Hollywood. Everyone knows you don't pet your dog after he takes a dump on the dining room table.

             Liam Neeson has a new movie out this week called, Unknown. While I know practically nothing about this movie, I know that it's obviously terrible as it is being released in February. It looks to be one of those typical semi-supernatural thrillers along the lines of Stay where there's an unsatisfying and impossible-to-figure-out twist at the end that usually is something like, "He was really in a coma and imagining everything the entire time!" While I don't think there is anyone in the entire world that dislikes Liam Neeson, he doesn't have a reputation for having the most discerning of taste when it comes to movie roles. I thought this movie had come out like last August but evidently it hasn't. I saw the always lovely January Jones on The Daily Show the other night advertising this movie in the most awkward of ways. All she really said (without any conviction) was, "It's good, go see it." Which, of course, is Hollywood lingo for, "It's bad, don't go see it."

Chest hair is the new black.

              I Am Number Four is based on a young adult book about a guy known as Number Three. The success of the Harry Potter and Twilight series(es) birthed a spate of adaptations of young adult novels with a supernatural bent, like the succinctly titles Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.  (Sidenote: This title reveals a lot, because one would assume The Lightning Thief would be a perfectly good title, but the point of the movie is to cash in on Percy Jackson fans, not to make a good movie). I can't really be bothered to learn too much about this movie, as it feels disposal at best. DJ Caruso (the director) also made Disturbia (pretty entertaining) and Eagle Eye (astonishingly bad) and has one of those imminently punchable faces.


             Now, if we want to go head to head with last weeks movies for the reigning champ of Awful Excrement I think this week wins with the match ups of  I Am Number Four and Unknown vs. Gnomeo and Juliet, The Eagle, and Justin Bieber Never Ever Ever Says Never. I haven't seen any of those movies, of course (I value my sanity) but I have to assume last week's movies are better than this week's. However, as Adam Sandler is famous for making genuinely reprehensible movies, Hollywood really had to pull out all the stops to create a movie that could compete with Just Go With It. But I know my Hollywood, and I trust them to always come through when I need proof that the lowest of lows has not yet been reached. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the ring the latest offering of the always hilarious comedian Martin Lawrence, famous for such movies as Big Momma's House, Rebound, Big Momma's House 2, Black Knight, Wild Hogs, and the upcoming The Skank Robbers (I wish I were making that up) in this weeks biggest (HARHAR) release, Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son. Yes, that's right, Big Momma's House can now legitimately be considered a franchise.

Random picture from my immense porn collection.

                 I've long believed that people have a way of revealing themselves for who they are without even trying to do so. When a woman goes on stage and sings a solo with no music, you know she trusts her voice. When Lady Gaga dresses like she was molested by a Klingon at a young age and her daddy never loved her, you can pretty much assume she ain't got that much in the way of raw vocal talent. When Eddy Murphy makes The Nutty Professor and a sequel in which he plays multiple characters in different fat suits it doesn't take a genius to figure out that he's running out of ideas. When Martin Lawrence copies Eddy Murphy's worst ideas and stretches them out over three movies, you can assume that there is no semblance of fairness or reason on this big blue marble we call the Earth. I don't even want to criticize this movie because really, if I have to convince anyone reading this blog not to see this movie, then frankly, I don't want you reading this blog.

            Thankfully we live in an age of technology and instantaneous information and as such, we aren't restricted to watching only movies released in the theaters. Because of that (and the blessed service known as Netflix) here are the movies I've watched this week:

- The Deer Hunter
- Enter the Void
- Goodbye Solo
- Cypher
- Ken Burn's The Civil War (disc 1 & 2)
- Stalag 17


           All of these movies were interesting and worth watching (Enter the Void was particularly mind-blowing, while also managing to be disgusting and inconsequential) but the one I recommend is The Deer Hunter. I've heard a ton about it, and it won a ton of awards, but I've always avoided watching it as it seemed like a pretentious Vietnam war movie - yeah, we get it, that war sucked and we should have never been there. I finally watched it though, and it's a legitimately great movie. Not only is it awesome to see a young Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, and Christopher Walken, but the movie deals with the war by spending over half of the running time in small town Pennsylvania, showing the participants before and after the war. Personally I don't know that I could handle war, I really can't imagine going through something like that and, even if uninjured, ever really recovering. This movie's depiction of Vietnam, and the prison camps, and the knowledge that both of my grandfathers fought in that war (and my mom lived in Saigon as a baby before it fell) is pushing me dangerously close to getting obsessed with the Vietnam Conflict like I got obsessed with the Amazon basin for a few months last year after reading The Lost City of Z.

          Movies suck this week y'all. Catch up on Oscar picks or start watching Justified on FX (starring America's favorite bug-eyed handsome man, Timothy Olyphant!). Next week, however, things get good (not with movies, thanks Nic Cage) but with the Academy Awards - the movie nerd Super Bowl. Be sure to join us for the most underwhelming event of the year, also known as "something else we can bet on."

Watch This Now!

While the Onion Sports Network is horribly unfunny, this is simply hilarious (and thankfully, short). WATCH IT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHc8WTBuYQo&feature=youtube_gdata

Andrew's H8/LV 2/15/11

Every week I love things. Every week I hate things. These are those things.



Thing I Hate #1: SHOES THAT DON'T FIT (GIRLS)
             Ladies, I love you. You're all beautiful in your own unique way (blahblahblah etc etc). Listen, I understand that life isn't fair and that men (that dastardly race of hairy maniacal beasts) force you into all sorts of strange and unnatural items of clothing in order to be more attractive. However, if you're going to wear heels (or pumps or flats or pegs or whatever else you call your shoes that I don't quite understand) wear heels that fit. There is nothing more unappealing than a little something that I like to call, "toe cleavage." It is when the shoe is just a little too big (or perhaps your toes have confused themselves and believe they are fingers, and are just a little too long) and showing above the toe portion of the shoe are the beginning of the splits between each toe. Right now stop what you are doing (which is reading this and swooning, I'm sure) and go to your closet and try on every pair of "those" types of shoes, to make sure they all fit accurately. I'm not trying to erect yet another hoop for you to all jump through - on the contrary I'm trying to save you some

This is why women don't have 10 tiny breasts

trouble. If you don't have the right sort of feet, or the right fit in your shoes, just wear open-toed shoes or sneakers or combat boots or something along those lines. Good looking shoes are designed to make your feet good looking, and when I can see your toe cleavage you A) Look like a little kid wearing your mom's shoes and B) Look like a monkey wearing a little kid's mom's shoes. It honestly makes me physically nauseous, and while I know most guys may not agree with me (and probably don't even notice, since they're too busy coming up with incredibly successful pick-up lines) you should realize that I am, of course, entirely right in this matter and I'm only mentioning this as a public service to both you, your feet, and my physical well being.

Thing I Hate #2: The State Farm Guy

            Unfortunately I'm not as original as I would like to be, as I just found out while searching for pictures for this article that there is a Facebook page called, "I hate the State Farm Guy." To be fair to me, there's a Facebook page about everything that has ever (or will ever) exist. I also found out that this guy is evidently Latino, which, of course, makes me hate him even more! Forrealz though, I hate this guy. I'm not calling him a bad actor, or saying he has done anything purposefully wrong, I just hate his stupid face. There's something so smug and patronizing about him that makes me violently hateful. Every time one of his commercials comes on I have to change the channel, leave the room, or cause an abortion. Really I can't blame the fellow, but rather myself, for the intense desire to punch him in the face the instant I see him. There are these types of people in life that rub us exactly the wrong way, through no fault of their own, just like there are people who rub us the exact right way (Milla Jovovich, I'm lookin' at you, kid). Sincerely though, I want to commit so many crimes whenever I see this fellow that I feel like he should be banned from television for the safety of America. It appears that State Farm has entered into a perverse contest with Geico and Progressive to have the worst insurance commercials imaginable, and have abandoned this guy for the new, "State Farm is there!" sing-song commercials that make absolutely no sense and are amazingly unfunny. My breakable furniture thanks you.

Things I Hate #3: Teenagers

            There was a time when I legitimately thought that teenagers were misunderstood and correct in their outlook on the world (hint: I was a teenager at this time). I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel, as everyone with common sense hates teenagers, but I'll admit - this is a bit personal. I went to a local bar tonight and there was a rowdy group of teenagers sitting in the back room by the pool table congregating to achieve the common goal of breaking the Guinness Book of World Records record for the most annoying and worthless wastes of fertilized eggs ever to slouch upon the face of the Earth. I attempted to ignore them as they sneaked alcohol from their 21+ friends, broke glasses, knocked over chairs, and then tried to sneak out without paying (only to be caught, told, "get your shit together" and then complained about being cursed at). I'm a congenial fellow, but I really thought I was going to get in a fight before I left tonight. I fully expected one of their dumb, sweatpant-ed, flat-brimmed capped, asses to say something to myself or my wife and after that, as Daniel Plainview once explained to me, "there will be blood." Teenagers are completely worthless and the only reason we put up with them is that we hope they'll turn into adults at some point. I've been around enough of their destructive, immature, idiotic, incapable selves (and I've been all of things at some point during the years in which I was a teenager) to know that every stereotype about teenagers isn't only true, it's giving them far too much credit. I understand we all have to go from children to adult and learning comes best through experience, but the fetishization of and catering to teenagers that is so predominant in America is a travesty that only serves to make dumb kids dumber. 

Thing I Love: BEEF JERKY
            There are two reasons to love beef jerky. One, there's absolutely nothing NOT to love about it and two, it's the greatest thing ever. Some people have, in the past, perhaps expressed the opinion that I am prone to exaggeration. To those people I say simply, "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR BEEF JERKY." Just stop for a moment and really think about beef jerky (something I do several times daily). It's dried beef. That's it, really. Just meat, dried and spiced and tough and chewy and delicious. You hold a piece up in your hand, maybe to the sun, maybe to your Maker, and then bring it to your mouth, biting down and pulling away with your hand, ripping a piece of the meat off like dinomeat from a brontosaurus drumstick. There are a lot of different snacks in the world - candy, snack cakes, chips, gum, etc., but rarely do you find a snack that is just pure unadulterated meat. Another thing that makes beef jerky so great is that it has been made since at least 246,000,000 BCE. It isn't an overprocessed sickly sweet piece of trash for your underdeveloped childlike taste buds to clamor over as if they have Bieber Fever - no, it's a piece of glory that your animalistic brain recognizes as having descended through the ages in the perfect form of life giving sustenance. In all seriousness, there were most likely people eating Mastodon Jerky thousands of years ago. That's just amazing.
        The only downside to beef jerky (and I say "beef" jerky, but any type of jerky is fine by me, unless it's like tomato jerky or something) is that it's so damn expensive. A small bag of it is like $5.99, and I can eat two of those bags before I even get home from the gas station. I've never killed any animal larger than an insect on purpose (except the world's largest snapping turtle, but that was to save a life (my own) and is a different story for a different time (and besides, I thought it was a rock)) but I've honestly considered hunting, just so I could kill something and make the entire whatever-I-kill into jerky. I've had beef jerky, buffalo jerky, alligator jerky, deer jerky, and once, during Spring Break in Papua New Guinea, human jerky. It's all marvelous, it's all wonderful, and it is the thing I love this, and every other, week.

THIS WEEK IN THUUUU NOOOOOOOSSSS!!!! (likewise I'm SHURE)

THIS WEEK IN THE NEWS To be completely honest, I have not read one word, or watched or listened to one second of "real" news this week. I meant to, but I played Cafe World on Facebook instead. However, in the spirit of a true American newscaster, I don't need much in the way of facts - I know how to run my mouth. Without further ado, here's what was interesting to me:
The Green Bay Packers defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl VL
            The Super Bowl went exactly how nearly everyone thought it would, and the Packers out-played the Steelers, winning the Super Bowl for the fourth time (though two of the four were Super Bowls I and II). It's hard to believe that anyone who wasn't already a dye-in-the-wool Steelers fan would have pulled for the Steelers during this Super Bowl. Not only have they gone to the Super Bowl one million times this decade, they've won three out of the past six (or something). On top of all of that, Ben Roethlisberger is a disgusting,

sweaty, shaggy dog of a rapist. Really think about that - he's so gross that he's a multi-millionaire celebrity with three Super Bowl rings and he has to rape drunk college girls. I'm a sober, normal, gorgeous man with absolutely no money and I've been trying to rape chicks for at least three years with no success (you can't rape the willing, amirite????) All drunk college girls do is make horrible mistakes in choice of sexual partners, and they still won't throw a bone his way. I know that I probably seem obsessed with his, "alleged" rape of this poor blonde southern honey, but that's because I AM. People go to jail from dumb stuff every single day, but he rapes his merry way through the south, General Sherman style, and is free and clear to go to the Super Bowl. Personally, I think the punishment for rapists is that they get held down and raped. I could devise some sort of instrument wherein a dildo is attached to the end of an axe handle, in place of the head, and then we just put the rapist in colonial style stocks, pull their pants down, and swing away like we're playing croquet. On national television. Rape would end overnight.

People in Indiana Mistakenly Think They're Funny http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BScrP-lW60E
             A sub-section of national news is the weird or bizarre news stories that are fodder for morning radio or silly little websites (such as our own, but ones that people read). There will be some story like, "Teens Break Into Home, Steal Urn Full of Cremated Remains, and Snort, Thinking They're Drugs!" (a real story that happened this week). One such story takes place in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where a vote was held to determine the name for a new city structure of some sort (a convention center or something, I can't be bothered to do any actual research). Voters chose to name it after a long serving mayor of Fort Wayne, Harry Baals. This is obviously hilarious because in the video the news reporters constantly refer to him as, "Hairy Balls." Oh, and because everyone in the world is evidently a 13 year old boy. This is the kind of story that really grinds my gears because it's just people trying so hard to be funny, as opposed to actually reporting news. There is already a street named after Harry Baals, his last name is pronounced, "BALES," and it isn't even spelled, "balls." This might be newsworthy if they actually named the place, "Hairy Balls Convention Center" but we're snickering under our breath while reporting a story about voters wanting to name a city building after Mayor Harold Baals? Really?

            This reminds me of when the Chilean miners were being rescued from their (you guessed it!) mine, and a constantly repeated story in American (real American, not Chilean American) news was that one miner was being waited for by both his wife and his mistress! Ruh-roh Shaggy! He might just want to stay down in that mine HARHARHAR! Of course everyone neglected to report the fact that it's a well accepted practice in Chile to have both a wife and a mistress, and in some cases even have more than one family. But that's boring, isn't it? We should all just go for the easy joke because that's the job of a news reporter, to be the world's unfunniest comedian.
Old People Should Be Banned From the Internet

           While I could actually write at least 25 blog posts with this same headline, I'm sure everyone agrees with me so it isn't a point I'm going to argue. Instead, I'll just inform you about it's latest illustration. Congressman Chris Lee, (Republican, New York) has resigned this week after being caught on Craigslist trying to set up a date with a woman (her criteria for the type of man she was looking for: "Emotionally and financially stable, and doesn't look like a toad"). He sent her shirtless photos of himself flexing, and included HIS FACE in the pictures. This is clearly the result of growing up in a world without the Internet, as any 14 year old sexter knows that you should only send neck-down n00dz to the guys in your Junior High. Look, I don't really have a problem with Congresspeople cheating on their spouses. I think it's wrong, sure, but I also think it falls into a totally different area than the job we ask them to perform. I'm sure Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Anniston with Angelina Jolie, but I don't really care. That's between the three of them - all I ask is that they put in a good performance in whatever movie I happen to see them in. Martin Luther King Jr. was a notorious philanderer, and I don't think that changes the good he did for this country one iota, nor makes his speeches any less powerful. No one should cheat, we all know that, but what I care about most is my relationship with you (I am, after all, notoriously self-centered). If you are my surgeon, I'm much more concerned about how good of a surgeon you are than about how good of a husband or wife you are. I'm not planning on marrying you, I'm planning on letting you operate on me.

            All of that being said, I still think this guy should resign because he's clearly an idiot. Let me reiterate - he sent shirtless photos of himself, including his face, to a stranger on the Internet that he was trying to date. If every single congressperson did this, I'm pretty sure the chances of getting away with it would be less than 1%. I don't want someone who shows so little grasp of the realities of this day and age, along with the inability to do any sort of risk assessment or think further than one step ahead. Am I saying that I wish he was better at cheating? No, I'm just saying that the part of his stupidity that has the greatest chance of affecting me is the ignorance he showed in the way he went about it.
           



            Now on to the most important news of the week. The other day I was in a parking lot when I saw an old dirty car (like a mid-90s Sebring or something) pull up and park in the Fire Lane No Parking zone, and watched as a skinny, meth-head looking leathery old wrinkle of a white trash woman stepped out of the driver's seat, sucking on a cigarette as if it contained the last traces of Oxycotin in the world. She flicked the cigarette onto the pavement and wafted through the front door of the store like a horrible smell floating on the wind. The vanity tag on the back of her car? 2SEXY69





 Sometimes I want to die.