Friday's Movie of the Week

Friday's Movie of the Week
or "Prepare to Be Amazed. "


            Before we start with the real important, SUPER informative stuff, we have a little inside-baseball meta house cleaning to get out of the way.
A) I was just reading Clayton's H8/LV list for this week when I began to laugh out loud. My wife asked me, "Why dost thou laugh so heartily, oh dearheart?" "MAYBE YOU'D KNOW IF YOU READ MY BLOG!" I sang back sweetly. She sat down to read and, a moment later also laughed aloud. Which part? The part where Clayton hurriedly pushes back his always-glamorous hair. The same part I had laughed aloud at. In her own words, "It's funny because he really is constantly fixing his hair."
B) While I was just doing my in depth research of Googling, "upcoming movies" I had to ask my wife what year it was. I couldn't remember if it was 2011 or 2012.

Now, without further adieu, This. Week's. (movie)Releases.


This is still the dumping grounds of the year (at least until late August) and honestly, I won't be going to the theaters for at least a few more weeks, that is, until Zack Snyder's, Sucker Punch comes out (at which time I'll make it a point to go to the theater and see it, and plan to for about four days in a row, and then forget about it and rent it from Redbox when it comes out on DVD). We're dedicated though (when we remember to post) and so we're doing our due diligence with this week's new releases.

 Rango seems like a cute enough kid's movie. Really, it looks great (I saw a preview at some point but I don't remember when) and I love the fact that the Johnny Depp lizard character is wearing a Hawaiian shirt as I feel that it is a secret homage to his Hunter S. Thompson character in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas but whatever, you can't really expect me to have an opinion on this can you? I bet I watch it on DVD though.


The Adjustment Bureau makes me giggle. I guess the concept is some cabal of white men in suits has been running the world for a long time (must be a documentary, amirite? HARHARHAR) and have some sort of time-space bending magical powers and use these powers to freeze time and spray tan bald guys. Unfortunately for Matt Damon, he isn't bald and therefore his jealousy (after walking in on a very private boardroom spraytanning) drives him to run down alleyways while sharply dressed, dragging along Clayton's latest horrible choice in women to love - Miss Emily Blunt! Clayton has seen far worse movies for the lass, so I suspect this ridiculous looking cockamamie scrumnut will crawl across his eyeballs at some point. As the illustrious Mr. T once said, "Poor dear." (NOTE: after writing this article I searched for pictures for The Adjustment Bureau and the first one that popped up I placed below - I found it AFTER I wrote the above description of it)

Take Me Home Tonight also looks terrible, and makes me weep one tear, two times. A tear for thee, dear Topher Grace - I once modeled my life after Eric in That 70s Show (we were basically twins. We shared the trait of...being skinny, but not much else) but what has happened to your incredibly smarmy voice since then? I still held high hopes after Win A Date With Tad Hamilton and you even managed to get into Spider-man 3 Too Many Villains, but lately things have changed. A tear for thee.
And a tear for thee, my darling Anna Faris. You're probably legitimately the funniest woman alive, and yet you can never rise above B-star status. I love you, but I won't see your movie.

Beastly can be summed up in my quote from when I saw the TV spot for it last night: "They want to be the new Twilight but it won't work because that guy is way too goddamn ugly."


             After all of this horribly depressing news about what you pedophiles can expect to find in theaters this Friday you're probably feeling a bit depressed, right? You don't know how you'll fill those 60 odd hours of freedom that the "man" likes to call the weekend. Well chin up, buckaroos, because I have something for you!  It just so happens that while I was randomly browsing through Netflix trying to find something to watch, I stumbled upon what is possibly the greatest treasure trove found since Romancing the Stone. It's a movie I guarantee you have never before seen, because once you do it will stay in the forefront of your mind for as long as the neurons continue to fire - it's images will dance before your eyes both day and night, making you unfit to drive or play ping-pong. Basically, you'll never be the same. This exquisite blessed idol goes by the name of Shadow Dancers


Shadow Dancers is a movie that is a lot like a video of a burning log that you leave flickering on your television in the background during your delightfully tacky Christmas party. Some might even compare it to the mobile that spins and plays music about your child's head as they lay in their crib like a turtle on it's back, neglected and alone. Shadow Dancers features a great funky beat, garish Windows95 screensaver backgrounds, and yes, silhouettes of people dancing. Does this sound amazing to you? Well evidently it did to everyone else too, as there are now TEN Shadow Dancer movies. Let's run through them quickly.
Shadow Dancers 1: The original, un-themed Shadow Dancer.
Shadow Dancers 2: Let's Hear It For the Boys.
Shadow Dancers 3: Platinum Honeys of Hip Hop
Shadow Dancers 4: Mistress KiKi's Fetish Temptation (bondage dancing theme (whatever that means))
Shadow Dancers 5: Modern Day Lava Lamp (60's psychedelic theme)
Shadow Dancers 6: Nightlife Go-Go Girls (as in, the original go-go girls)
Shadow Dancers 7: Hypnotic, Slow, and Sexual
Shadow Dancers 8: Busty Babes (evidently about girls who like busting things)
Shadow Dancers 9: It's Wicked (pagan themed. WHAT?)
Shadow Dancers 10: Girls Who Like Girls (this one is about girls who are interested in dancing with other girls which, if you look like me and have been to a club in the past 8 years is EVERY. SINGLE. GIRL.)

Shadow Dancers 11: Las Vegas Party Girls


              You do not know how tempted I am to set up a bank of mirrors around my 50" television, turn off all the lights, open to sliding glass door to the deck and play these DVDs for an entire night. If The Shield Season 2 hadn't already shipped these would be my next rental from Netflix. They are the most amazingly horrible and embarrassing thing I've had the pleasure of discovering lately.

                So, ladies and gents my, nay our hearty recommendation for this week is, of course, Shadow Dancers 4.