Andrew's H8/LV 3/15/11

You, you're so vain, you probably think this list is about you.


            H8 #3: Made Up Compound Words

FUNNIEST MEME EVER???

            While at a doctor's appointment this week I was unfortunately subjected to Fox News which was talking about how the recession has been affecting men more than women. I'm sure this is perfectly true, but for some reason they felt the need to title it a, "Man-cession." They went into the commercial break asking the question, "Is a woman-cession coming?" and playing (I swear to G), "I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore." I burst out laughing right there in the waiting room, and then shot myself. The first I remember of this horrible trend is when the tabloids, confronted with Oh! My! God! celebrity couples felt the need to come up with some oh so clever compound word formed of their names (i.e. Brangelina). This seems to be done with everything now, from labeling the fans of Twilight, "Twi-hards" to the aforementioned calling our recession a, "Man-cession." This drives me batty. It's the stupidest idea ever, and really doesn't save any time or accomplish anything except to make people seem idiotic. I thought 13 year old girls were the only people who made up words and thought themselves better for it. Besides folks, why not choose the more obvious, "He-cession" and, "She-cession"? Is it honestly that difficult to say, "The recession has had a bigger impact on men, than it has on women." without having to make up a new word? It reminds me of The Colbert Report when he is pointing at the camera belaboring some punchline and different phrases or words pop up next to him, to make the audience laugh. "Man-cession" really does seem like a joke, but I guess so does, "Scarjo." I hate them all.

            H8 #2: Owen Wilson


            It makes me sad to even write this, as I used to love Owen Wilson. I used to worship the man. I used to want to be the man. I fell in love back around Shanghai Noon, when the squeaky-voiced, shaggy-haired crooked-nosed lil' rascal was really hitting his stride. I knew he played basically the same character in every movie, but I liked the character, dammit! He had a peculiar charm that was especially adept at convincing women he was hot, when he was never more than roguishly charming. I adored him in Zoolander, and quoted him incessantly for years (to the chagrin of my friends) but then Owen Wilson began to become something of a joke. His movies got worse and he began devolving into the male version of Sandra Bullock - everyone loved him, but his movies were awful and he always just played himself. Obviously he knew this as well because, in a remarkable show of selflessness, he attempted suicide back in 2007. I don't mean to make light of someone slitting their wrists, but let's face it - people who are happy with themselves and with their work don't try and kill themselves. Well, perhaps poor Owen was prophetic about his future because ever since his old mortal coil swing and miss his movies have consistently gotten worse. While he seems to still be playing the same character, now everyone seems to sort of ignore the guy, and that's probably for the best. Here are the movies that Mr. Wilson has starred in since his suicide attempt:
Drillbit Taylor
Marley & Me
Night at the Museum 2
Marmaduke
How Do You Know
Little Fockers
Hall Pass


              I ain't sayin' he should've killed himself. I'm just sayin', you know?

            H8 #1: Guinness

            I know every single whitey in America claims to be of Irish descent, for some reason, but I am for real. My last name is O'Dell, and both sides of my family can be traced back to Ireland, and one to the actual county they lived in. I've decided that every physical trait I have can be traced back to the Irish or the Native Americans (Native Americans: my inability to grow a beard, my sexy tan, my desire to be barefoot at all times . Irish: my liver) so I suppose I can thank some Cherokee for my complete hatred of Guinness. To be fair, I've only had Guinness once on my  it's own, and a couple times in Irish Car Bombs (the worst shot ever invented - a shot glass full of Bailey's Irish Cream and Jameson's Irish Whiskey, dropped into a glass of Guinness and immediately chugged as I begins to curdle). Guinness is dark, flavorful, and absolutely disgusting. On top of that, some bottles of Guinness come with a small plastic tampon applicator looking item that supposedly leaps and gyrates inside of the bottle to keep things all bubbly and fresh, or something like that. In order to respect my pretend heritage I bought a 6 pack of Guinness for Saint Patrick's Day this year and attempted to choke it down by pretending it was bottled vomit, and not something as horrific as Guinness. I thought maybe the intervening years since I last tasted of it's vile, soiled nectar that perhaps my taste buds has matured. After all, I no longer drink solely party beer - that is the cheap light beers that are used for beer pong and flip cup, but I'll occasionally drink a darker brew of Sweetwater or Yuengling for a slow sipper. I brought my 6 pack home and cracked open the first one and (as you might have guessed from it's inclusion in the Hate, rather than the Love, column) Guinness is still terrible. I managed to finally get two bottles worth in me (pouring the last few drops of the second one in the sink and marveling at it's mud like color) and I don't know what I'm going to do with the last four - probably pour them in a dish outside to poison the neighborhood possums.

            LV: Shuffle Music on iPod


           I'm sure there is this feature on a lot of mp3 players or whatever you use to listen to your music, but I speak about what I know. I even had one on an old CD player, but that's different, because that just shuffles the 17 (or 10) songs on your CD. On my iPod I have 700+ songs (over 400 by the Beatles) and I love putting it on shuffle and just seeing what comes up, how the music flows together, and how it goes along with whatever I happen to be doing at the time. Today my iPod played Green Day, Green River Ordinance, "I'll Be Your Baby Tonight" by Bob Dylan (my favorite Dylan song), Daft Punk, Kings of Leon, The Beatles, Cake, Lil Wayne, Gabriel Mann, and Jimmy Eat World all in a row. Where else can I get that experience? Certainly not on radio, I can promise you that much. That's what makes Shuffle so great - it's the music that you've personally approved but in a radio (albeit commercial free) format, where you don't know what the next song is going to be, you only know that you'll like it. Shuffle makes life more enjoyable, entertaining, and eventful, and I think anything that does that is worthy of love.

"We love shuffling!"