Killers, Brought To You by K-mart!

                  One of the horrible side effects of marriage is being forced to watch horrible movies. "Marriage?" You might ask, "Don't you mean dating?" Perhaps that applies if you're a sucker, but as I was a hardheaded and blunt individual, I simply refused to take girls to girl movies on dates. To this day I think I've only seen two romantic comedies in theaters, and I don't even remember what they are, I'm just saying that so I won't say "none" and sound like a liar. I have made it abundantly clear to my wife (in my always humble way), "I have far better taste in movies than you do - you're welcome to see whatever you like, but go see crappy girlie movies with your crappy girlie friends, and come see good movies with me." I have my guilty pleasures as well. For example, last year I saw both Piranha (worth it) and Machete (not worth it) in theaters, and didn't take her with me. Being married, however, means that we now live together, and worship together at the altar of my 50 inch flat screen, which means I occasionally see some truly terrible movies.

                Killers is one of those movies. This isn't a real review of the movie, as I have no idea who wrote it, or directed it, or anything like that, but I saw it last night and there are a few things I just have to comment on. First of all, when I saw The Ugly Truth I was completely shocked at how horrible it was. I had always assumed that these romantic comedies that chicks seem to dig were competently made movies, just not up my alley. Wrong! Ignoring the terrible writing, there was a scene that takes place in a hot air balloon at the end of the movie that made me think I had hit the zoom button on my DVD remote, because it was completely comprised of extreme close ups of the two lead actors faces. One of those lead actors was Katherine Heigl, some foul demon spawned from the regrettable and forgettable Grey's Anatomy who, since Knocked Up has become the new rom-com girl of the past few years. She's horrible, not terribly attractive, and I don't even think girls like her very much, but she is, of course, also the star of Killers.


                 I watched the movie with half a heart (like a good man does with all of his husbandly duties) and one eye, but I was soon drawn completely in by how terrible the movie ended up being. Let's ignore all the by now passe Katherine-Heigl-is-so-funny-because-of-her-extremely-mild-gross-out-humor, as I could write paragraphs on that, and just knock out a few of the particularly egregious moments before I move on to what I really want to talk about. First of all, this movie continues the female fantasy that a woman can be completely goofy and stupid and an extremely handsome man will fall madly in love with them. This is true in real life, but it only lasts until the guy has sex, and then he tires of them faster than I tired of this movie. At their first (and only?) date, Katherine Heigl says, for no apparent reason, "I am a dating robot. I am here to study your ways." in a robot voice. I had no clue what this was all about until I read the description on the Netflix envelope that she was, "a computer whiz." After this first date (which is dinner and a tour of the city on the day that they meet) Ashton Kutcher, a hired killer, feels so close to her that he confesses his profession. Yes, he's an undercover murderer who tells his secret to the first pretty girl he meets. His acting was so terrible in this scene that I honestly thought it was going to be a joke - like he says, "I need to tell you something... I kill people for a living... JUST KIDDING!" You know how in a movie whenever someone is supposed to be acting, or lying, it's really obvious? I thought that's what was going on here. The movie ends with a plot twist that I would love to spoil, but simply don't understand. I believe that Katherine Heigl's father is revealed to be an undercover (former?) government agent, and that he had hired a half dozen assassin's to be Ashton Kutcher's friends and neighbors for three years, because he didn't trust him. After a bit of confusion he tells them all to kill Ashton, which results in each of them dying in surprisingly grisly fashion.

            The one good thing about this movie was the gore. In the first fight Ashton knocks a guys teeth out, only to later flip his car over and impale him on re-bar. He kills a lady by running her through with an antler chandelier, causing her body to swing back and forth above him with bloody antlers sticking out of her side. Another assassin is run over, not once, but twice. One explodes, one is shot in the chest with a shotgun, and one is shot twice in the heart and once in the head. All of this is fantastic, as Katherine Heigl willingly goes along with it (after a few, "You better tell me what's going on soon!" protestations) because, as Ashton tells her, "I work for the Blah Blah Blah, and they've given me a license to Blah." I can tell that right now you're walking the thin line between shunning this movie forever or running out and purchasing every copy your local Wal-mart has (in the $5 bin) so let me help you decide by introducing the Killers Product Placement Drinking Game!

Scoot over! I can barely tell what kind of car it is!

  
           There is so much product placement in this movie that once I noticed it (at a party everyone conspicuously points the labels of their drinks toward the camera) I couldn't help but keep looking for more, and the movie never failed to disappoint. I didn't actually begin keeping count until about twenty minutes in, and after that I left the room several times in search of my sanity, so there may be some that I missed, but here is the list I wrote down on a napkin, which basically can work as a sketch outline for the entire movie:

"Do you not realize how wholesome this milk is, bro?"

               A happily married young couple throw a party at their house where they serve their guests Bud Lite Lime, and Jose Cuervo Especial. The next morning a guest who stayed the night asks for a glass of milk. The husband reaches into his refrigerator, past the Stella Artois, to grab some Stonyfield Farm Natural Organic Milk. Surprised when the guest tries to kill him, he steals a Cadillac Escalade and flees with his wife to his guest's home, where they search his Mac Book Pro for information while drinking Evian Spring Water. They make a quick detour by the local K-Mart where an entire scene takes place on the pregnancy test aisle, featuring musical star Usher as a K-Mart worker who recommends using First Response Pregnancy Tests. The wife, having those cuh-ray-zee pregnant woman cravings begins eating Doritos while calling her mother, who is making a bloody mary with Grey Goose vodka. After pulling her First Response Pregnancy Test out of her K-Mart bag and discovering she's pregnant, the wife narrowly rescues her husband from being run over by a brand new Ford Mustang and everyone lives happily ever after. 


              Now folks, these are just the ones I noticed, after beginning counting halfway through. I'm sure there are plenty more to aid in getting you drunk while playing the Killers Product Placement Drinking Game! (all rights reserved) brought to you by Captain Morgan's! 

Kmart bag on left, Evian on right, Mac Book Pro in the center. This is way more obvious in the actual movie.